Why Personal or Family Related Communication That Could Be Explosive Should Never Occur When Children are Present!

Erin and Derek are playing in the sand box. They have been enjoying their time together but suddenly cannot agree on how to proceed with the plan for the zoo they are building. They exchange a few comments and unexpectedly Derek becomes agitated that Erin will not agree with his ideas.

We are completely stunned by Derek’s next statement. “Do you want a divorce? Well, you won’t get the house, the credit cards, or the bank account!”

One of the most disturbing aspects of that incident is that Derek’s parents are not divorced and more than likely the statement he was quoting had been said two years earlier (when we asked them about it). We can never estimate the impact our words have on our children. This is especially true when they contain so much emotion. Obviously Derek is still drawing on that experience.

Since children rely on their parents for survival, any condition that would negatively impact that has a monumental impact. As a condition of the family structure, children often feel that they are responsible for crises in the parental relationship.   

We share this experience with Derek’s parents and outline the following effective guidelines for positive communication.

Do not

1.Discuss highly charged emotional issues when your children are present. This includes when they supposedly are asleep. Schedule this discussion either when they are out of the home or select a neutral and private location. Under certain circumstances, a counselors’ office may be an appropriate option.  Knowledge of this situation may scare your child because in many cases children have experienced seeing this parents disagree about circumstances that involve them. Consequently, they may feel that the currently discussed is somehow their fault.

2.Jeopardize their stability and security until final decisions have been made and a plan is in place.

3. Neglect to assure them they are not responsible for the decisions being made, and that they are an important member of the family and are loved no matter what happens.

Do

1. Communicate all information to your child regarding circumstances that will impact them. Give them the facts in a timely manner and an assertive style.

2. Always keep your emotions under control. Remember you are their source of survival and if you appear out of control it may alarm them.

3. If appropriate, involve them in discussions where you, the parents, may disagree. This could involve a serious issue, i.e. moving, attending a new school, politics, family relationships. Make sure the tone of the discussion is respectful, factual and calm. Your child should observe that parents can disagree and still respect each other’s opinion. They will transfer this example to their own relationships.

4. Respect you child’s opinion when it is offered. If appropriate, explain why if you do not agree with it. Always confirm that you value their opinion.

Good luck! And remember, if you purchase Smart Parent Smart Child on Amazon this month, it comes with a free phone parenting consultation!