Elias joined our daycare when he was three years old. We
noticed when he visited with Ellen, his mom, that he appeared to be very much
in charge of their relationship, was very demanding, and usually cried when he
did not get his way. He was also responding negatively when Ellen even
hesitantly requested anything of him. There would always be a resounding NO
from him.
Why did we consider accepting him? Primarily because they
were good friends of one of our families, stated that they desperately needed
help, and finally begged us! Actually this was not the greatest challenge we
have ever had and this is essentially our commitment to families.
We are experienced enough to realize that the older the
child, the more challenging it is to have a positive influence on that child’s
behavior and their relationships.
Initially we enjoyed more of Elias’ sweeter side and were
pleased that he had good communication skills. However, he quickly began
demanding help with all of his tasks, displayed poorly developed play skills, a
low level of concentration and a short attention span. In short he was immature for
his age.
But what stood out above all those challenges was his
mastery of the word “NO”! He not only used it when any directive or situation displeased
him, but he did the exact opposite i.e. ignored the word when it was used by
anyone else, teacher or playmate.
This interest in the word “no” is quite common in the eighteen
to twenty four month old development cycle and is relatively easy to control
and not become un-managed. But by the age of three, Elias had taken complete
control of it.
The Plan
1. It was critical that Ellen was coached and updated on a daily
basis.
2. She immediately had to stop using the word “no” when not
following up on it.
3. She had to be firm and not give in to him when he said it.
4. She had to be 100% consistent.
5. She had to handle any crying outburst calmly, remove Elias
from the social environment until he was calm, and then repeat the request that
was communicated to him.
The Result
1. His tendency to automatically respond with a “no” is still
not perfect. Each time it happens he is reminded of the request that was made
and is expected to follow through-no exceptions.
2. He is verbally congratulated for every success with a high
five and an appropriate phrase.
3. His motivation was to remain in the social activity with
his friends.
Elias came to daycare yesterday with flowers. Ellen shared
that it was his idea to purchase them while at the super market.
It is not often that we get a thank you gesture from a
child!
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