Sam and Darya are constantly expressing frustration with
their son Damon. He is consistently breaking rules, ignoring their requests,
crying to get his way, stalling, and controlling the entire food process. In the
final case, requesting something special and then not eating it or disliking
most of the food being served or playing with it.
His latest tactic is to hit them when he is angry or
displeased with what they are expecting.
They are at their wit’s end and request an evaluation.
I suggest spending an afternoon together at their home so I can
assess the situation and provide some guidelines.
Within an hour, I can tell what many of the issues are, but I
decide to “Tough it out” for the entire afternoon so I can better determine
what he might be doing just for my benefit versus what is close to the norm in
their relationship.
It is clear, almost from the beginning that Sam and Darya
are inconsistent, unclear, lack agreement, bribe, give Damon too much power,
undermine each other and generally are allowing Damon to run the show.
The parents and I have a meeting the following day.
Initially we review our time together and they begin to acknowledge that they
have never really understood and agreed on their role and what they expect from
Damon. Somehow they felt it was not going to be that hard to raise a child and
they would figure things out as they occurred.
I reminded them that parenting is the most important and
demanding role a person can have. They were both successful in their
professional careers and thought it would be easy to handle this.
I made them aware that they had committed years of their
lives to being educated for success in their chosen profession, but not one
minute to be educated to be a successful parent.
Their first assignment was to define the values and behavior standards
that they wanted for Damon.
They had to commit to whatever time and follow-up
sessions necessary with me until they were in agreement.
Following that, we met to list those areas they agreed on
and have further discussions until their disagreements were resolved.
They finally agreed on:
Values of:
-Honesty
-Empathy
-Respect
-Kindness
Behavior Standards in:
-Listening
-Self-reliance
-Perseverance
-Trust
-Self confidence
They agreed to:
-Never contradict each other in front of Damon.
-Whichever parent initiated a correction, completed it
without interference.
-Never say anything they did not mean.
-Always follow up on what they request or expect.
-Never make a promise
if they were unsure they could keep it.
-Always be open to listening, no matter what was being said.
-Always tell the truth and communicate pertinent information.
-Respect their intelligence.
-Always be on the same page. From your child’s perspective
they have two bosses. How would you feel if you reported to two superiors who
did not agree and never rewarded or reprimanded for the same time?
I often think a reasonable comparison is to evaluate what
your needs are in a meaningful relationship and realize that this is your most
important relationship ever!
It has now been three months since we initiated this plan
and Sam and Darya are amazed at the change in Damon.
They are still challenged at times to remain on track, but
they are seeing measurable changes and rewards for everyone.
He has stopped hitting, mealtimes have now become pleasant
and a time they look forward to.
Everything is still not a habit and they have to stop
themselves from speaking without thinking but it is getting easier and way more
enjoyable.
New challenges will come up as Damon grows and tries to push
some more boundaries. But they trust themselves more and know I am always available
for a refresher and update.
This relationship is the most important one they will ever
have, which is true for every parent.
Good luck!
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