The Important Distinction Between When Your Child Has a Choice And When You Absolutely Must Be In Charge!

Somehow many parents have become unclear or confused about their role or intimidated and just plain afraid of their children.

We are experiencing more situations where parents are hesitant to be firm regarding their expectations and the children are taking control.

Some examples:

1.       Amelia and her mom arrive at daycare and Amelia requests that her mom stay and read a book to her. The initial response is “I can’t, I am already late for work.” Amelia begins to hit her parent with her fists and the follow up is, “Well just a short story because I don’t have time.” When the child chooses a long story, her mom comments on that fact, but instead of making a change, proceed to read the book.

2.       Pamela has taken charge of her wardrobe choice every day. Consequently, she has come to daycare in the same dress for a week. It is obvious that Pamela is completely in charge and when questioned, her mom shares that when she suggests an alternative, Pamela begins throwing her clothes around the room and refuses to get dressed.

3.       Marina has recently started to play in the schoolyard when she is picked up instead of going directly to the car. Every time the dad suggests leaving, she begins screaming. Finally, after a week of this interaction, the dad shares that she has been using this screaming tactic at home and they find themselves giving in to stop it.

These parents and many others have given control to their children and that decision has led to highly aggressive behavior on the part of the children.

It is disturbing to see how often parents are controlled and intimidated by their children. Once a parent gives up their responsibility to socialize and teach their child to understand and respect rules, it can quickly spiral out of control.

We recommend the following solutions:

1.       Amelia’s mom has to decide before leaving home what her needs are. If in fact she is late for work, then she states that before they leave the house. “We are not going to be able to read together when we arrive at daycare. I will need to leave quickly but we will have an extra big hug before I leave!”

2.       Pamela needs to place all the clothes she has worn on any given day into the hamper when she is preparing for bath time. She should never have the choice of wearing the same clothes twice. This includes undergarments and socks. Before bedtime reading, she and a parent can select two outfits for the next day, then she will be able to make the choice of one of them or she can mix them up.

3.       Once the dad has stated that they need to go straight home and not remain in the playground, then he has to keep his word without exception as that has probably not been the case. He may have to either take her by the hand in order to exit or, worst case scenario, pick her up if there is no other option.

As you can tell from these examples, none of these situations happened overnight. They are the result of a parent/child relationship turned upside down.

Reminders

1.       Always remind your child exactly what you expect from them and what is going to happen.

2.       Your child is more interested in getting what they want than in following rules and regulations that will help them become responsible human beings. Both parents have to follow the same behavior standards and expectations 100% of the time. It only takes one error or misstep to open the door and to lose control.

3.       Respect yourself and your child when you are being undermined as a parent, the results can be negative and long term.

4.       Children do not want to be in control, no matter how much it appears that they do. It is very scary for them to not have a confident parents.

If you haven’t already scheduled as parents to review established behavior standards and guidelines, do it now!

If you need help seek it now!

Good luck!