The Challenges When Major Changes Occur In Your Child’s Life

Major changes can be particularly challenging for children even when the parents communicate the appropriate amount of information prior to the change and continue with all appropriate discussion throughout the process. The change can be a confusing, destabilizing, anxiety inducing and fearful time.

Since it is difficult for the parents to assess how the change is going to affect themselves, projecting that for their children is not only challenging but it must be evaluated, and discussed, frequently after the changes have occurred.

Some of the circumstances that have challenged our parents in the last several months:

1. Both parents simultaneously moving on to more demanding career responsibilities that included longer hours.

2. A new baby in the family.

3. An older sibling moving on from the daycare to elementary school.

4. A relocation from the east coast where both parents had a large support system to L.A. with no extended family or close friends.

5. A parent going back to work at the same time as the child joins our daycare.

6. The death of a loving nanny who had been a member of the family since the children were born.

In every case, the children in our care displayed clear emotional and sometimes physical and relationship changes.

-They cried more easily.

-Had difficulty falling asleep at naptime.

-Preferred to be with us rather than playing with their friends.

-Expressed a need for more attention when completing tasks they had normally performed easily and willingly.

-Displayed some regression in areas they had perfected such as bathroom habit, academic skills and conflict resolution.

These are the suggestions we offered each of these families.

Do Not

1. Change the rules or your expectations of your child including values and behavior standards. Continuity is critical and boundaries need to be maintained.

2. Feel sorry for them. They are a critical part of your family and whatever decisions were made, it was with their interest in mind also.

3. Be inconsistent when they are showing anxiety about anything they miss. Acknowledge their feeling and then move on to some advantages they now have.

4. Feel guilty about the change it is done!

Do
1. Give them new responsibilities specifically related to their new situation. It will help them feel more involved and in control.

2. Have a dialogue with them when you see unusual behavior. Resist the urge to defend the change but instead focus on a positive fact about it.

3. Put their needs before yours.

4. Be patient. They will not move from negative/lost feelings to happy ones instantly. Just like they cannot move from angry to sorry in five minutes.

5. Trust their resilience and intelligence and flexibility. They are survivors and probably will emerge more mature and stronger if that is your goal and what you expect and communicate.

You can turn every new experience into positive growth!

Good luck!

The Power Of, And Human Instinct For, Social Connection!

The child development world is finally taking a major step to educate parents about the importance of verbal interaction of child with other children and adults from the day they are born through the first five years.

Our day care is an environment where strong social connections, both physical and verbal, occur and in many cases, these have been so strong they have extended into the adult lives of the children.

Currently we are witnessing a bond that developed visibly between 14 month old Sarah and 13 month old Jack.

At this time, Sarah had been with us for four months and Jack was joining a day care for the first time. They are both independent and very self-sufficient for their ages.

It took Jack a few days to become oriented and then decided that Sarah had something he liked and needed.

Without any specific encouragement on our part, they began seeking each other out and sharing more time together while they both explored their options. What was especially interesting is they are both strong willed and independent yet they communicated and played in complete harmony.

I think they benefited most from an environment where they are given the freedom and responsibility to entertain themselves and therefor respond to their individual feelings and needs.

They are our most recent example of the ability of very young children to identify and expand on their feelings and needs when an environment is created that allows them to explore and make choices without adult persuasion and interference.

Most parents feel the need to direct and control every action of a young child. Experiences and opportunity tells us that they can make choices to satisfy their needs and in fact, when given a safe and supportive environment, will be able to accomplish this at a much younger age than most people believe.

Do
-Ensure your child’s environment in the first two years gives them the freedom to explore their world independently.

-When organizing playdates, make sure your child is given the time and opportunity to select and play with objects they want to interact with.

-Give them space and time to solve their own problems. In most cases when they become frustrated they only need a small key to find success. Give them advice and let them continue independently.

-Introduce them to a variety of friends.

-Seek a social environment where you will be effectively removed from their sight. This should occur periodically. Make sure the supervisor/educator has and displays your philosophies and goals.

Do Not
-Consider your role to be an entertainer- you are their teacher, give them time to learn.

-Underestimate their ability. By the time they have mastered a skill, they are already thinking at the next level-make it available. Everyone advances at their own pace.

-Underestimate them: watch for their reaction to new situations. Give them time to evaluate and adjust.

Your child is the ultimate work in progress! Encourage their interests and natural curiosity.

High levels of self-esteem come from this approach!

Good Luck!

Spring and Parenting! They are both about new surprises!

The child laughing at a joke you didn't think they understood, and the flower that appears on a plant before it's time.

The child who figures out the shapes cube,  and the sunbeam coming through the window reflecting on the daycare wall.

The child who writes their alphabet letters by themselves, and the sun still shinning late in the day so we can play outside.

Our parenting world and spring are full of new discoveries and surprises!

We are wishing everyone a joyful spring and parenting experience.

Stop to appreciate the surprises of spring and your child's world. Enjoy and Good luck!

Toilet Training! Insights and guidelines to success!

We have just completed six months of toilet training and thought it would be a perfect time to share our recent experiences with you.

As you know, every child is different, and consequently they may handle that major responsibility a little differently.

Note: We do not use a portable “potty” for several reasons:

-We want a child who is training to feel like a big kid doing exactly what the big kids do, this is a great motivator.

-It is less work.

-We do request that our families stay close to home for the first home training weekend. When training is completed, your child will be comfortable accessing public facilities.

-We are so committed to proper language that it is important you child is using the correct terminology for both the facilities and body parts.

Following are some of the specific behaviors our recent trainees either benefited from or displayed.

1. Make sure by the time they are being trained, that they are being given responsibilities they have to do at home. No matter what!

For example:

-Put their dirty clothes in the hamper.

-Help set the table.

-Help dress themselves, select appropriate items of clothing for them to choose from.

-Take out the garbage.

-Help make their bed.

-Help feed any animal pets.

-Any task they are capable of managing with little or no assistance.

This is a maturing and responsibility building process and will definitely be an important component of your child’s ability to take responsibility for using the bathroom facilities when needed.

2. Make sure they have helped select their underwear. Sometimes it helps if you say something like “You can’t pee on Thomas” or any character or design they have selected.

3. Watch them closely for the first two weeks. Don’t forget that this is a major learning curve for them and you need to be a vigilant coach.

4. It was more successful if one of the teachers remained in sight rather than actually in the bathroom. The child gets the message immediately that this effort and task is theirs alone. We are only supporting them.

5.Early in the process a child will display a behavior that is their signal, for example: crouching, hiding in a corner, touching their training underwear, getting really quiet when they were just talking.

6. If it has been an hour or more since they peed, have them go to toilet before you give them a drink.

7. Resist the urge to reward them every time they are successful.

They are taking responsibility for what is usually their last “baby” function. This is especially true when they resist doing bowl movement in the toilet and will rely on their nighttime diaper or their underwear. You are expecting them to complete a natural task in the process of growing up. When they are successful (and they will be) it is a major source of self-confidence.

8. Ensure your child accompanies you during your toilet time whenever possible.

9.Children with strong personalities and assertiveness tend to train at a younger age. They often are more work in terms of accidents, but it is important that you respect them and their request to be trained. Denial can undermine their confidence and stops an opportunity for them to accomplish a challenging task. They may signs of anger and regression at not being listen to.

Those children who show no interest until they are in the 3 year range may make the accomplishment in an easier manner. They are often more laid back about it and somewhat calmer in nature.

You must respond to who they are.

10.   During the first month of the training cycle, do not expect your child to tell you that they need to use the bathroom, nor will they say yes when you ask them if they have to do so.

-You will want to take a more direct approach and tell them when to go.

-One, to one and half hours at the beginning is best for success.

-You will extend these times as they gain confidence and control.

-If weather conditions require more water intake, stay close to a bathroom.

Key Issues-Make sure you are approaching this process from a relaxed place.

-Keep calm at all times.

-Reinforce the positive.

-Include your child in the tasks necessary when there is an accident. It will make them feel accountable and responsible.

Under no circumstances is your child punished verbally or demeaned!

This is a major growth experience for everyone!

Good Luck!

Never Say Anything You Don’t Mean

Never Say Anything You Don’t Mean And Always Follow Up On What You Correctly Say

The First Challenge
Invariably, when I am counseling parents, somewhere in the conversation one or both parents will say something along the lines of:

-I’m sure I have said many things I shouldn’t have.
-I was so upset I told her I didn’t love her.
-I said X, but I didn’t really mean it.
-I told her I would leave her at the mall if she did not stop crying.
-You are so bad, I am taking away your iPad for a month.

In a moment of frustration, anxiety, or impatience, your self-control can be lost and you blurt out statements that are devastating and very difficult or sometimes impossible to retract.

Because we are always extremely aware and sensitive to the emotional needs of our children in daycare, we find ourselves often contradicting what a child will quote what their parent has said to them under the assumption they did not really mean it.

We know that children often share or display situations that occurred at home to us to have them corrected, so we are careful not to directly undermine the parent while we reassure the child that they will never hear any of those statements here, nor be treated in that manner.

Children need reassurance that they are valuable.

At the same time, when a parent does request a reasonable and expected behavior, they must be consistent and follow-up. Make sure when you speak, you have thought about the action or response you expect from your child.

If you tell them:
-We are going shopping and you are not buying a today.
-You know how to put on your socks and shoes by yourself. So be persistent and get it done!
-We are leaving the park in five minutes, see where the hand will be on my watch. I expect you to leave like a Big Girl!
-Please get your jacket before leaving daycare. Don’t bother crying, it doesn’t work!

Stick with it. If you are just implementing this approach, it will take a while for you to earn credibility! You will have to be consistent and always follow through.

The second challenge
Parents are amazed at how readily children listen to me. It is no secret how that happens:

-I really think before I speak.
-I know what they are capable of accomplishing for themselves.
-The children see that I am fair and consistent with everyone.
-They are acknowledged for completing tasks and thanked.
-We never interfere when a child wants to do task by themselves, even if we think they may not accomplish it. We only offer suggestions when they are at a standstill.
-We never use negative language, never reinforcing what they are doing incorrectly, but instead stating what we expect them to do.
-Children are never bad. Eliminate all those damaging words from your vocabulary. They may have broken rules, not listened, taken someone’s toy, thrown their food ect.

Communicate what you expect them to do to correct that. Behavior instead of repeating what they already did that was unacceptable.

It does take a while to reprogram yourself to think positively. The reward will be evident when you manage to accomplish that task.

You and your child are establishing a positive bond that earns you trust and credibility – the basis for successful parenting.

Take a deep breath and know you can do it!

Good luck!

Have Clearly Defined Values That Both Parents Agree On

James and Alana have become role models in our daycare. When they decided to become parents in the near future, they invested in several parenting publications they were aware of, as well as ones that were recommended.

They amassed a huge amount of information. They felt much of it was contradictory and found themselves more knowledgeable, but not at all clear as to how to be the most skilled and prepared they should be.

Then they were given our parenting book by a friend and they were stunned at how intellectually and emotionally they were connected with it.

It became obvious that they had to approach this new role from a clear understanding that they would be dealing with a very intelligent human being who needed to be treated as such.

All the values that they had in dealing with their social and business partners needed to be applied to this child.

As a follow up to that conclusion, they needed to decide what values they felt were most important that they needed to agree on.

They decided they were:

-Independence

-Persistence

-Self-Confidence

-Problem solving

As their daughter Emily grew, they realized the most important time for them each day was to review her day and their observations.

A few observations they identified as really important:

-As soon as she mastered a skill i.e. turning over, pulling herself up, they no longer helped her physically, but encouraged her verbally. They even often walked away to let her know she was on her own to figure it out.

-Letting her figure out where the shape she had in her hand fit into the shapes cube.

-Navigating her first effort to put on her socks.

-Always backing off when she said “Let me do it”

-Holding back when she falls and scrapes her knee. Not rushing in to take care of the situation and instead, they let her evaluate the situation and come up with the proper care. (Note- Children come to daycare with band-aids that are applied unnecessarily on undamaged skin to make the child feel better)

A light bulb went off one day when they realized that they had transferred all the skills that they used in their management work world to their child: the situation was exactly like their approach when they had ever selected and trained a high skilled employee.

Since this time, the individual (Emily) would be the most important part of their lives forever, they wanted to be the most successful ever.

Because they were so on board with out philosophy and approach, Emily enjoyed a seamless transition each day from home to daycare.

When this happens, it is the best of all scenarios. It makes everyone’s life easier and better.

Take the time to decide on your values and be 100% consistent and committed.

The rewards are amazing!

Good luck!

Have Clearly Defined Standards Of Behavior That Both Parents Agree On

Paula and Alexander met while they were in college like a lot of couples, they came from opposite sides of the country and very different cultures. They are very happily married, but really struggling as parents with two year old Bernard.

They feel like he is completely running their lives. Everything they have tried has not worked such as:

-Having him listen to them.
-Being able to sit down to a meal together.
-Getting him to bed without a tantrum.
-Having any social activity that is successful and enjoyable.

They find themselves disagreeing over how to handle him and now realize that constantly changing their approach is only making the situation worse.

I instantly conclude the they never prepared themselves for their parental role by taking the time and responsibility to educate themselves about the role of a parent and the importance of having an agreed on plan of behavioral standards before beginning the process.

Both Paula and Alexander feel that their childhood was too restrictive and disciplined. They were hoping for a more open and interactive role with Alexander. Obviously, they were not achieving that goal and now had to go back to the beginning.

It required two sessions for them to agree on the behavior standards they want. I assure them that this was time this was time well spent and the agreement achieved was absolutely necessary.

The behavior standards important to them are:
-Listening
-Kindness
-Respect for themselves and others, including their physical possessions
-Honesty

I challenged them to come up with simple phrases to get their message across.
Examples:

“Please do not touch my computer – it is not a toy”
“We are going to read two books before bed time and then turn off the light”

Any and all phrases they needed are reviewed for clarity and understanding. This is an important point. Do not analyze or defend. Keep your directives clear and short!

When needed, the phrases are stated, followed by a 15 second pause so Alexander can process them and then decide if he wants to follow the request.

These phases are then state twice more and if no action is taken by Alexander, the parent follows up by taking him through what he should have done while repeating the phrase.

Whichever parent speaks up first will be responsible to follow through to completion. The second parent cannot interfere no matter what. They must be in agreement. Any disagreement will be resolved when they are positive Alexander cannot hear them.

We have a touch base sessions for a month. Both Paula and Alexander are surprised that they instantly had some success with other situations being more challenging.

They have held to their commitment to never contradict each other no matter what.

At the end of a month, they are enjoying him most of the time with a few challenges left i.e. mealtimes. They know the approach works and periodically review the phrases giving them some tweaking in the areas that are still a challenge.

The best result is that they are beginning to feel like successful parents and are getting positive comments from their friends.

Their stress level has dramatically lessened and their reward level increases.
Everyone can do this!

They key is to commit the time to arrive at a consensus goal and stick with it!

Good luck!