Why Is My Child Still Crying To Get Her Way? She is Four Years Old!

When Sheryl first started at our daycare she cried for everything. If she could not have her way, if she grabbed someone else’s toy and had to return it, if she wasn’t first in line, if she wanted a certain food that was not on the menu. You name it! Crying was her solution for everything.

When we got to know her over a two year period, we discovered she was an extremely intelligent child. She can already read, has an amazing memory for detail and has advanced play skills.

She definitely has social relationship challenges. She has a tendency to take control of any interactive activity and is very selective in choosing a play mate. She is more likely to tell another child that she does not want to play with them.

It was a huge adjustment for her and it took her a while to realize that at day care she gets “nothing” if she cries to get her way. No exceptions! But she finally got it!

However, even with ongoing conversations with her parents and two conferences on the subject, we are aware that when her parents show up, she often finds some issue to raise that will trigger her ears. “They are late, they don’t have time to go to the park” ect. It is rare that the departure is happy and smooth.

They are now at the point where they want the crying to stop and admit they have messed up by not being committed to implementing our suggestions.

We review our directives with them and remind them that they will only be successful if both parents follow them 100% of the time!

They seem definitely on board so we go over our recommendations together!

Do

-Make sure you are giving her some positive attention so she is not relying on crying to have you acknowledge her.
-Initially, both parents should talk to her so she knows they are in agreement.
-Proposed script- It is important to make a clear statement

“We expect you to use words when you need something or when we are doing/saying something you do not understand or do not agree with. No exceptions. You will get nothing when you cry to get your way. If you cannot control your behavior, you will be sent to the door until you can calm down and take responsibility to speak.”

-Note: You should have a location that is visible to you but that removes her from the social interaction. You may need more than one in your home. Do not send her to her room where she is isolated.

-When she has finally calmed down, she does not get what she originally wanted, simply because she initially cried.

-All items that your child relies on for emotional support should be removed from their bed. “Blankies” should be discarded and stuffed animals can be moved to the toy area. You child needs to develop and rely on inner calming skills. These items often become crutches that prevent your child developing emotionally. This is often a part of the crying pattern because they have not learned responsibility and control on their own.

-The best solution regarding this case study is to begin this approach as soon as your child can walk and has some language skills. When they cry to get their way, reinforce with them that crying is not going to work and give them the words they should have said. It is amazing how quickly they catch on and you are playing a major role in their developmental process, as well as accelerating their vocabulary.

-Reinforce that they can only cry when they are hurt. Children are very resilient. Acknowledge the issue, provide care if necessary and move on.

Do Not

-Consider compensating them for any distress they may show. Remain firm, calm and collected.

-Negotiate or reward.

-Keep defending or explaining your actions.

Correcting this behavior will have a positive effect on everybody’s life! Good Luck!

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