Raphael is a super creative child. Both his parents are in
very demanding and somewhat unpredictable professions. It is not unusual that
he is the last child to be picked up from the daycare and sometimes without
notice, the parents send a substitute. He is showing some outward signs of
stress: stammering, having difficulty sitting still and focusing, licking all
kinds of surfaces, biting his nails etc. The impression we have is that he is
not a priority in the family.
We became aware several months ago that he was lying about
what we felt were insignificant issues, mostly as it related to creative play
which is where he gets most of his attention from his peers.
Last week while he was building with duplos some of the
other children were using his favorite novelty pieces. These are printed
eyeballs which he uses to make his animals. We noticed that he moved toward the
duplo container and instead of building, he seemed to be pushing pieces under
the container. When we questioned him, he not only lied about it, but blamed
another child when we brought out the evidence.
Follow up conversation elicited a statement that these items
were important because they gave him “special attention”.
Ellie is dropped off one morning and her mother shares that
she will be picking her up at 2pm to take her to the pediatrician for a shot.
The mother requested that we not mention the reason to Ellie because she hates
going to the doctor and was told instead that they were spending special time
together.
We assure the mother that it was very important that her
daughter be told the truth and suggested that she do so before she left.
It was concerning that she was reluctant to do so because
Ellie would get upset. We convince the mother that it was much more likely that
Ellie would be less upset now than later and her mother would be having a credible
moment.
With some resistance she followed our suggestion and found
that Ellie was not nearly upset as she expected.
So why do children lie? How can you prevent this?
1. Very often as in Raphael’s case, to get
attention. He was relying on his strong creative skills to fill the neglect
void he felt.
2. They also lie by accident. If parents are not
really paying attention to their children and questioning any circumstance or
statement that does not seem reasonable, the child may fall into a pattern of
lying because their behavior is not questioned.
3. They also lie by example. Ellie would obviously
find out that her mother had lied to her about why she was being picked up
early. Many parents think it has no effect on their child when they tell a lie
and in fact it does.
4. You child is less likely to lie if you have an
agreement that no matter the circumstances, if your child tells the truth they
will not be in trouble! There may be repercussions for the actions such as
cleaning up the mess BUT under no circumstances should your child be punished
for telling the truth.
5. Be the unwavering constant example. Make it
clear that you never lie no matter what.
6. Make them aware of public figures,
acquaintances, students or friends who are caught lying and had a serious
consequence follow.
7. Every incident should be a teaching moment. In Raphael’s
case, he lost the privilege of playing with the novelty eye ball duplos for one
month. He had not only lied that he hid them, but he accused another child. He
often commented after the incident referring to the consequences. To our knowledge
he has not done anything similar again.
Like all other challenges, be 100% consistent! Good luck!
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