Why Do So Many Parents Threaten Their Child When They Do Not Listen?

Sally is picked up from daycare at her usual time. However, today she happens to be building a rather elaborate Duplo castle that is not quite finished. Her dad tells her he is ready to leave now and to immediately take apart the castle and clean up the Duplos.

Sally has about a 90% good listening record and this time her request to finish the project seems valid to her since she has put in so much work and time already.

Instead of responding directly to her request, her dad simply repeats his demand that she clean up so they can leave immediately.

We can see her struggling with his repeated requests and before any alternative is offered, he immediately moves toward the door and says, “Well I am leaving now and you can just stay here.”

It is extremely disturbing to hear those words since he has taken this approach before with disastrous results for Sally.

She immediately runs to the door, cry and call for him to wait! She now has the dilemma of choosing to clean up the project (which she knows she should) or letting her dad leave without her. Predictably, I tell her that I will clean up the project and call to him to wait for her.

This is not the first time this exact scenario has happened between Sally and her dad. This is also a scene that we frequently see play out in public places, especially in shopping malls.

How many ways could this situation have been resolved?

Do

1. Remember when you are picking up your child from day care or any other activity, to have some understanding of what the existing circumstances are and make decisions accordingly.

2. Communicate clearly what the final decision is after you listen to your child’s request and remind them you expect to be listened to.

Do not

1. Ever threaten to abandon your child, no matter what the circumstances are! You are threatening their very survival. They will probably not remember that you did this before and did not actually follow through, at this moment, their reaction is all based on emotion and not logic.

2. Expect them to become a better listener based on a threatened approach.

3. Disrespect their need for some understand when there are extenuating circumstances.

Holiday time is here! There are many positives associated with it, but also many challenges.

Everyone can become overtired, stressed, off schedule, overstimulated and demanding.

Stay on message! Let your child know what is going to happen and what you expect!

For further readings on listening, click here!

Good luck!

Why Is Having Your Child Listen To You Such An Ongoing Challenge?

One of our moms arrives at daycare with a large basket of toys that her family no longer uses, many of them are parts of large groups that no longer make sense to keep. They are not only in great condition and really good quality, but remarkably, are compatible with the activities we already have.  I.E novelty pieces for a wood train system, beautiful creatures for our whale collection ect.

The largest group is a collection of metal cars that get everyone’s attention. Jonah, a two year old, is immediately drawn to two items, a white care and a blue car, that he successfully reaches for and grasps tightly in his hands.

Throughout the day he finds ways to include them in his play activity. We notice that on each occasion during the day, when he has to return them to the car drawer, he is reluctant to do so. He slowly follows through when we remind him he will be able to play with them at the next play period.

Now, it is the end of the day and his mom, Sylvia, has arrived to take him home and she reminds him to put the cars away so they can leave. Jonah runs to the exit door, clutching the cars and tries to open it to leave. He is refusing to listen to his mom and return the cars. This is surprising since we have relied on his listening skills on all occasions and they have been consistently great! The situation quickly escalates and he is crying. I notice that Sylvia is getting frustrated and embarrassed and makes a gesture to take them from him.

Normally we do not interfere between a parent and a child. Jonah has been a really good listener and his mom and dad have both shown a commitment to be responsible parents. However, this appears to be a teaching moment for both Sylvia and Jonah.

Jonah is asked to go to the door (our calm down location) until he stops crying and we can communicate with him. I share with Sylvia that when Jonah challenges her requests, she needs to stay calm, on message, and not lose sight of her goal.

Fortunately he is not defying me and she is able to witness how important it is to stick to the specific request that he return the cars before leaving the day care.

After five minutes of both allowing Jonah time to evaluate the request and decide whether he wants to comply, he finally takes a positive action and returns the cars to the drawer.

We thank him for being such a good listener and remind him he will be able to play with them again when he returns to daycare the following day. We have been rewarded every day since this incident when Jonah carefully returns the cars to the drawer, often without being reminded.

Do Not

1. Expect that teaching your child to listen will be a one-time lesson. This is a work in progresses and will require periodic updates.

2. Give up, get frustrated, be embarrassed since you may be in a public place.

3. Ever tell your child you will leave without them! This would cross a line threatening your child with abandonment.

Do

1. Thank your child for being such a good listener and following your directives.

2. Believe you are doing the right thing for your child. You will need this relationship for the rest of your parenting life.

3. Understand that there will be occasions when your child’s need will be greater than their desire to please you.

Good luck!

Why It Is So Important To Always Inform Your Child What Is Going To Happen And What Is Expected Of Them!

Amy has just turned 16 months and is already independently navigating her world! Her mom plans to attend a daycare party for a short period of time in the morning, and then return to work.

We are unaware that she has not informed Amy of her plans. As a result, after experiencing the surprise joy of seeing her mom in the middle of the morning, her mom suddenly says goodbye and departs for work.

Needless to say, Amy is upset, confused, and crying. It takes us about five minutes to explain the circumstances to her and assure her that her mom would return at the end of the day. It takes Amy the rest of the morning to really return to her normal comfort zone.

Amy is further surprised at the end of the day, when her parents show up with her grandparents. This is not only unexpected, but she rarely sees her grandparents except on Skype, which for her, is not really a solid connection.

She cries to be picked up by her dad (not her usual behavior) and clings to him the entire time without another glance at the grandparents.

What went wrong here?

Amy’s parents do not realize that she should be informed about both of these incidents prior to that day.

Parents need to inform their children about changes in any routine the prior day, or earlier the same day. They also need to communicate how the child can handle the change.

In the first case, telling her when she was dropped off at daycare that mommy would be returning at party-time and leaving when the event was over, reassuring her that she would return at the end of the day to pick her up would have been ideal.

Additionally, when parting, the mom had an ideal opportunity to remind Amy that she would be picking her up along with her grandparents. She could have reassured her that they are visiting to get to know her better and it is okay if she feels comfortable interacting with them (maybe to read a book ect.) or she can choose to hang out with mom and dad until she knows them better.

Ideally, you have been communicating with your child in terms of new expectations and opportunities in their life. You will gain credibility and trust and they will gain confidence and skill! Good luck!