How Did We Figure Out Why Bryan, Our Happy Eighteen Month Old Was Suddenly Having Uncontrollable Tantrums?

From the time we shared Bryan’s story in an earlier blog (which you can read here), we were determined to help our independent, self-assured and confident child deal more effectively with whatever conditions were so strong that he was unable to control his reactions.

Bryan is still limited verbally, he says about 20 words, enunciating clearly, but cannot express himself when he is upset. This made resolution particularly challenging.

We knew there was probably going to be more than one factor, but we were hoping to figure out what the main one was.

After a full week at day care and two weekends at home, a significant pattern emerged. One day at 10:25 am, he left his playtime activity and went to get a chair from one of the tables and take it to the area where morning snack is served.

I reminded him that snack would not be for another five minutes, so could he please return the chair.

He not only refused to comply but, surprisingly, threw the chair. This action was repeated three times.  At each occurrence, he was more upset and by this time, he was screaming and crying.

We took a moment to realize that almost all his tantrums had to do with food, particularly the lack of it.

1. He was particularly vulnerable at outside playtime prior to lunch.
2. He was often upset prior to snack time.
3. He would sometimes have a tantrum if we expected him to put on his socks and shoes and have his diaper changed after nap before he had a drink of milk.

We knew he was getting healthy, nutritious food at home and at daycare so the problem was probably quantity.

Do

1. We reviewed his breakfast menu and recommended that it be doubled.
2. We doubled his morning snack so he could maintain his energy through playtime before lunch.
3. He always was a big lunch eater, but we increased the amount of protein he was getting. We have always provided seconds when requested and continued to do so.

Pay attention to the circumstances that occur prior to a meltdown and determine if there is a pattern. We were fortunate that this became so obvious and was a relatively easy fix.

Do Not

1. Assume you have addressed all the behavioral issues that occur as your child is trying to figure out how to best survive in life.
2. Forge that they are progressing at a rapid rate physically, emotionally and intellectually. Stay tuned in.

This solution has solved 90% of the tantrum issue. There are still moments when he does not want to listen, wants his own way, or shows signs of fatigue and lack of emotional control.

We are still tuned in to him to also help him resolve all of the above situations in a positive, productive way.

Good luck!

Why Do So Many Parents Label Their Child Shy?

One of my assistants attends a child friendly event with her son Bryan and encounter Philip, a former member of our day care.

The event is designed to be very interactive and she notices that Philip is not leaving his mother’s side. When, upon her suggestion, Bryan approaches Philip and asks him to play together, the mother says “oh, he is too shy”. Philip immediately holds on to her leg.

We had always noted that Philip’s behavior at our day care was very different than the behavior we saw when his parent were present. Not only did he not communicate with the same confidence, but often suddenly showed signs of distress. Like many children, he behaved in a manner that he believed pleased them. They were often in a state of anxiety that any situation could suddenly upset him. He was often rewarded for being insecure and incapable of showing his mature side.

A parent’s role is to ensure that their child is encouraged to be confident and self-reliant and also to give them the necessary skills and directives to be a skilled social being.

So let’s talk about how you achieve that!

Do

1. From the beginning, expect them to greet people and make a parting statement in every appropriate situation once they have the verbal skills to do so. Be patient and let them know that displaying good social skills is important to you.

2. Inform them every time they experience a new situation like going to the doctor, to the park, shopping with you, on a play-date, what to expect, what their role is, and what they need to communicate. Assure them if the situation is not what you expected i.e. they are scheduled for a shot that you forget to mention , the venue is much larger than you thought, there are more people than you expected, their friend did not show up. Talk about it and turn it into an opportunity.“We could meet someone new today that we will really enjoy" or "you will be brave at the doctor’s office and if it hurts a little, you can cry but you will be okay."

3. Encourage them to believe in themselves.  Always give them the appropriate language skills and support them even if it takes then awhile to speak.

4. Expect them to go off and play with their friends, encourage adventure!

5. Acknowledge their successes when they are able to cope with new and unexpected situations.

6. Understand that some children may have a quieter nature, but know that they still have to be socially skilled. A quieter style does not mean they are shy.

7. Give them an assignment whenever possible, especially in a new situation. For example “Hand out the napkins at the party table”.

Do Not

1. Give them the message that at every step of their life they need you to function.

2. Allow them to hang on to you when they are safely mobile and in a safe environment.

3. Speak for them. When someone asks them their name, let them answer. Make sure you have practiced this with them and help them be comfortable with answering questions.

4. Label them shy or anything similar. It sicks. I have parents say “well that what I was when I was young”.  I encourage you to break that trend if this is the case.

5. Do not make up excuses because your child is not communicating confidently. If you feel you have to say something say “We are really working on their social skills, and like most things, we still need practice.”

Understand you are preparing your child to be a confident, successful human being that you are preparing to be able to cope with the world!

Do not burden them with labels!

Good luck!

Why Do All The Parents (Well, 99%) Describe The Task of Diaper Changing as “traumatic, a battle, a screaming scene, a chase around the room after their child”?

Diaper changing is a task parents will have to do for an average of five times a day, probably for two years. It is in everyone’s best interest to make it a pleasant and uneventful experience.

Predictably, when parents come to the daycare and we are diaper changing while the child involved is happy, talking and patient, the parents’ comment is always some form of “How do you do that?!”

Here is the secret!

Do

1. From the beginning, you want to be telling your child what is going to happen and what to expect. They will become comfortable with the sound of your words and the calmness of your voice. At some point, probably for unrelated reasons, they may show distress. They could be tired, hungry, teething ect. Do not change your approach. Keep talking and assure them that it will soon be completed and they have to help you by being calm.

2. As soon as you determine you will be changing their diaper, tell them that.

3. Once they are crawling, teach them to crawl to you. This may take several tries but do not give up. This will not only give them time to connect to the task, but also a role in it.

4. Somewhere near their first birthday they will be less comfortable on a changing table partly because you have to pick them up to place them on the table. This causes them to associate it with being a “baby”. They  will feel that they have less control because they are moving forward out of the baby stage.

5. Change all diapers on the floor where they are most at ease (after their first birthday or so). You can use a protective pad or the new clean diaper as a protector. They are already exposed and comfortable with the floor so it is a much easier location.

6. Still expect them to come to you since they are now probably walking. Be patient. It might take them a minute or so after you have informed them to leave what they are doing. If you think they are stalling, then that is mostly a listening issue. Address that and not the diaper changing routine.

Do Not

1. Suddenly pick them up with no warming, put them on their back (which is probably not where they want to be) and start the diaper changing task. You are probably not going to get a great reaction. Just think how out of control that must feel to them.

2. Give them a toy to play with. This is a task, not a game. They do not need to be entertained all the time.

3. Give up. You are teaching you child invaluable skills of listening, responsibility and partnership.

Good luck!

Why Would An Eighteen Month Old Child Suddenly Start Having Tantrums?

Bryan is a terrific child. He is full of energy, constantly learning new play skills, and even sometimes expecting to display skills that he is not tall enough/advanced enough for i.e. pedaling a bigger tricycle or doing a more complex puzzle. He has been easy to satisfy by diverting him to something that is more challenging, but still possible with some practice.

He arrives at our day care one morning with an exhausted mother having just had a fifteen minute tantrum, not only for the first time, but for a reason she cannot figure out.

We hear on the following Monday that the previous weekend was the most challenging ever for the parents: with tantrums at meal time, play time and bed time. They feel that the situation will be out of control soon if they do not take action.

Bryan’s parents are very wise to seek advice. Everyone talks about the “Terrible Twos”, but in fact whatever behaviors and expectations that are a problem at two actually started much sooner and were not resolved. In most cases they probably began before eighteen months.

Most parents do not believe children can understand and correct behavior at an early age. Most children are frustrated and angry because they are not being listened to and their needs are not being met. The result is that by two years old both sides are dealing mostly with frustration and unresolved issues.

Do

1. Pay very close attention to identify what conditions are triggering the tantrum.

2. Tell your child what is going to happen and what behavior you expect from them.

3. Once they become verbal, tell them what they should have said and have them repeat it. This will dramatically reduce their frustration and reinforce the message that they should resolve issues verbally.

4. Begin at  appropriate stages after their first birthday to edit their toys, books, and activities so they are challenging and stimulating.

5. Consider that by at least 18 months their high chair should be adjusted so they can join the family at the table with unbreakable versions of the family tableware.

6. Assign your child some personal and family tasks.

7. Recognize that by the time you figure out one developmental stage, your child is already ready to move on to the next one.

8.Look back on earlier blogs here to help you through other daily challenges.

Do not

1.Underestimate what your child can understand and the level of their intelligence.

2.Allow your child to have their way when they have a tantrum.

3. Underestimate your role in establishing clear guidelines, boundaries and well defined values and expectations.

Good Luck!

Why I Know My Dads Are The Best Ever!

David arrives to pick up his daughter and find Amelia in a testy mood. He comments on her attitude and inquires why she is challenging him. She replies that she couldn’t participate fully in dace time again because she lacked a skirt that she could swing. Rather than negate her feelings, he acknowledges that he has noticed that the other older girls in the group are always wearing dresses which most of the time, especially on dance day, border on being fancy.

He assures her that he is listening and recognizes that she rarely asks for anything. But he is concerned that she is copying them rather than thinking for herself. “I want you to be independent and think for yourself and not copy others!” Her response is that she loves this type of dressing and does not want to be in pants and t-shirt all of the time.  After a short discussion I assure him that she is not a follower, as we expect everyone to think for themselves. He commits to take her shopping that weekend.

Amelia came to daycare Monday with a new appliqued shirt and swing skirt. She informed us there are also some new dresses in her wardrobe and, best of all, she and her dad had a great time shopping. We have always had some fantastic dads at our daycare. But right now, that seems to apply to all of them.

Here are some of the reasons we feel that way.

      1. Peter takes his three year old daughter to a ball game and he also takes her to see Swan Lake.

      2. Doug agrees to take care of a one year old neighbor’s child who also attends our daycare, even though that particular evening he is on his own to care for his own 2 and 4 year old.

      3. Michael decides to give up his “blankie” that he has saved since he was a child and considered a treasure because he is now aware that his three year old son has been negatively affected by his own “blankie” and wants to give it up.

      4. Paul is solo parenting for two weeks with a one year old and a three year old while their mom is traveling for two weeks on business.

      5. Bill takes his four year old and nine year old camping so their mom can have a vacation with some of her friends.

      6.  Hank comes to pick up his son and notices he is looking at a picture book upside down. He gently alerts him that he needs to turn the book around since he should have noticed that the banana picture did not look right. He smiles and says that he is working with him on his perceptions skills. His son is 16 months old.

These are just some highlights that stand out in my mind. But the really exciting part is how proactive, involved and responsible all the dads are. They have enormous respect for their children's intelligence and are involved in every aspect of their lives.

They are truly parenting partners who also respect the children’s moms in terms of both their personal and professional needs.

What we are witnessing bodes very well for our children’s futures! They are redefining what masculine really means!

Why Personal or Family Related Communication That Could Be Explosive Should Never Occur When Children are Present!

Erin and Derek are playing in the sand box. They have been enjoying their time together but suddenly cannot agree on how to proceed with the plan for the zoo they are building. They exchange a few comments and unexpectedly Derek becomes agitated that Erin will not agree with his ideas.

We are completely stunned by Derek’s next statement. “Do you want a divorce? Well, you won’t get the house, the credit cards, or the bank account!”

One of the most disturbing aspects of that incident is that Derek’s parents are not divorced and more than likely the statement he was quoting had been said two years earlier (when we asked them about it). We can never estimate the impact our words have on our children. This is especially true when they contain so much emotion. Obviously Derek is still drawing on that experience.

Since children rely on their parents for survival, any condition that would negatively impact that has a monumental impact. As a condition of the family structure, children often feel that they are responsible for crises in the parental relationship.   

We share this experience with Derek’s parents and outline the following effective guidelines for positive communication.

Do not

1.Discuss highly charged emotional issues when your children are present. This includes when they supposedly are asleep. Schedule this discussion either when they are out of the home or select a neutral and private location. Under certain circumstances, a counselors’ office may be an appropriate option.  Knowledge of this situation may scare your child because in many cases children have experienced seeing this parents disagree about circumstances that involve them. Consequently, they may feel that the currently discussed is somehow their fault.

2.Jeopardize their stability and security until final decisions have been made and a plan is in place.

3. Neglect to assure them they are not responsible for the decisions being made, and that they are an important member of the family and are loved no matter what happens.

Do

1. Communicate all information to your child regarding circumstances that will impact them. Give them the facts in a timely manner and an assertive style.

2. Always keep your emotions under control. Remember you are their source of survival and if you appear out of control it may alarm them.

3. If appropriate, involve them in discussions where you, the parents, may disagree. This could involve a serious issue, i.e. moving, attending a new school, politics, family relationships. Make sure the tone of the discussion is respectful, factual and calm. Your child should observe that parents can disagree and still respect each other’s opinion. They will transfer this example to their own relationships.

4. Respect you child’s opinion when it is offered. If appropriate, explain why if you do not agree with it. Always confirm that you value their opinion.

Good luck! And remember, if you purchase Smart Parent Smart Child on Amazon this month, it comes with a free phone parenting consultation!  

Why Are Boys Not Expected To Talk As Early In Their Development As Girls?

Adam is twenty months old and has had an interesting and challenging language history.

At fifteen months he was clearly communicating about 15 to 20 words, and was really proud of his accomplishments. He was constantly encouraged and applauded.

Unexpectedly at 17 to 18 months, he went completely silent. At this time, we also noticed some personality changes. Earlier he was always smiling, so much so that other parents commented on it. But at this point he was almost “glum”.

We continued to encourage him to verbalize with little immediate success. His parents were very much involved in getting him back on track and thought that the fact that his sister had begun speaking for him could be a factor.

We began breaking down the words into phonetic sounds. It took about 10 days before we had measurable success. Now he is enunciating more clearly than before and is working his way back to being successful at communicating his basic needs. We are also seeing a smiling child return as he gains back his confidence.

Do

1. Expect your son to speak at an early age. So much of our focus as a society says boys are more physical and often trail behind the female counterparts in language skills

2. Pay attention to any effort he makes in verbal communication and help him enunciate phonetically.

Remove any obstacle that might be interfering with his skills development. We see more boys than girls with blankies and bottles well past their first birthday. Blankies should never be a source of comfort or habit for your child and bottles should be replaced by a small cup after a certain point. Not a “sip cup” either as for drinking purposes, children’s tongue muscles need to develop for speech. Both of these habits could give him the message “he does not need to verbalize”. They could possibly make it more difficult to accomplish speech effectively.

When we have had boys join our daycare prior to their first birthday, we have found that they are mostly on track with the girls, or maybe even ahead of them by the age of two. In Adam’s case, his parents were the perfect partners in getting him back on track.

Do Not

1. Label your son as so advanced or interested in physical activities that he lacks the skills and interest to develop as an effective communicator: he can do both!

2. Distort the words because someone wrote that young children can enunciate words more readily if they have an “ie” at the end. We have found that to be not true.

3.Suddenly introduce a new language just as he is mastering his first one. We have had many situations where a parent decides to return to work as her son is nearing age two. The parents decide it would be a great idea to hire a nanny who speaks a different language to broaden his language skills. Children can master two to three language at an early age. The most successfully way to do that is from birth.

It often does not work as well and in fact may derail the verbal development totally when it occurs at a critical development stage. Usually when this challenge occurs he is actually being introduced to two new languages since in most cases that nanny speaks English with an accent which may sound like a thirst language to a new child. It is a huge advantage to have broad language skills but evaluate when you are introducing them.

Treat your son as a highly skilled verbal communicator from the beginning and that is what he will be!

Good luck!