Every parent we have ever met wants to have a smart child and be a smart parent. Raising a child is the most important responsibility anyone will ever have and can provide the most pleasure and reward.
SMART PARENT/SMART CHILD is the revolutionary philosophy that all children are incredibly intelligent from the moment they are born. When parents have learned understanding, respect, highly developed communication and relationship skills and development related expertise, it is amazing what a child can accomplish and, in fact, each child will achieve his maximum potential.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A: This is a perfect example of the need for agreement and consistency on behavior standards.
1. Your child loves both of you equally and wants to please both of you.
2. When you disagree he is always making a choice.
3. Because the messages he is getting are contradictory and confusing and he lacks the life experience to do so, he will not necessarily know who is right and will, in fact, go with the parent who is giving him his way in most cases.
4. You used the term "discipline" in your question but, in fact, this incident is giving him power. He is learning that emotional outburst and physical aggression "work".
5. The most important thing you need to do is schedule time for you and your husband to apply our solutions-driven steps toward agreement. It is critical that you both realize you are currently on a path to "out of control" behavior.
We will cover some major topics tonight that define our general approach and go into greater depths as the classes proceed.
It means you can teach him personal tasks that make him independent and self-reliant and he will do them.
He will understand:
- When you break a rule
He learns quickly when he can disregard your directives/requests and there are no repercussions.
He will continue to push for boundaries because he only feels safe when he is clear on what is expected of him.
He understands what you are saying when you are consistent in your verbal description and follow-up with the appropriate action.
However, because he is as intelligent as you does not mean he is your equal nor does it mean he is in charge. You are his parent and his teacher. You will be responsible to teach him survival skills, interpersonal skills, social skills, self-discipline, values and behavioral standards. Your role is also to love, guide, nurture and support your child in such a way that he will develop the skills, confidence and abilites to survive in the world and achieve his maximum potential.
Most of the parents I have had in the school are highly educated and successful in their careers. But I have found, over the years, that they were often making serious mistakes because they lacked the knowledge and expertise to understand what the result of their actions would be.
THERE ARE SOME BASIC RULES OF PARENTING THAT ARE NOT OPTIONAL IF YOU WANT GREAT RESULTS:
- Be with your child in mind and heart and body. When it is your time together, you are not on the phone or watching the news or socializing or using your computer.
Evan and Pat come from totally different backgrounds culturally, geographically and economically. They wait years to have a child and, in all that time, never really discussed and agreed on how their child will be raised in terms of behavioral expectations and parent/child relationships.
-Most parents have not discussed how they feel their child should be raised prior to having him.
the issues on an “as needed basis”.
The most common conflicting values we see are:
- Children are naturally honest. They will typically tell a lie by mistake or observation. Even though the parent may suspect a lie, they do not follow through.
-These impact your every day life, your language, your values and your opinions.
This is the ongoing, most obvious area of inconsistency and disagreement. We often wonder what happened to raising a child to be honest, respectful, kind, polite, considerate and obedient, have well-defined standards of behavior and clearly communicated and enforced rules.
Why is this happening? We see:
-Parents who love their child deeply and believe parenting is their primary responsibility but lack knowledge and skill to be effective.
It is disturbing how common it is for communication channels to break down between parent
themselves and parents and children. Parents are communicating conflicting messages, no messag or are contradicting each other.
The child is left unprepared, uninformed and unsure.
-Talk to your child all the time. Tell him what is happening and what is going to happen. Make sure the message is clear, concise and uncomplicated. If you have to repeat the message, do not change it.
There are several steps that each of you should take.
THIS IS YOUR HOMEWORK!
1. Each parent should review their own experiences and decide what they want to keep or change.
I will be available any time in the evening or on the weekend. That is how important this decision is! I don’t want any of you to go forward without completing this process.