Happy New Year!

Thank you for a great year together. It is very rewarding to be able to share my experience with each of you. I hope you also have a rewarding and successful new year. And a special wish for all our friends and neighbors who have experienced tragedies this year. Our thought are for more peace for 2019.

The Importance of Selecting a Great Day Care!

Your choice of the day care for your child should be a life altering experience in a positive, formative way. It is occurring during the most important years of your child’s life.

When your child attends a daycare (especially full time) they are probably spending more of their “awake time” with their caregivers than with you, the parents.

We held our annual holiday get together last weekend. It is always exciting to see many of our alumni who try to attend as often as possible. We even enjoy the parents of the alumni who are not home from college yet and get caught up on all the news.

We had several experiences this year that were particularly heartwarming.

1.A mom who came to thank us for the influence we had on her son who graduated from college last year and is already in a responsible position in the TV industry.

2.More moms and dads who came without their children who are not home from college yet. They just want to bring us up to date on their children’s’ activities and once again, pass along a big thank you.

3.More grown up guys and girls that for a while it almost looked like a young adult party!
4.Watching them search for their pictures that are displayed throughout the daycare and sharing some of the experiences they remember from being here.

5.One dad who wanted to share that he was surprised he did not have to convince his grown son to come to the party.

6.It was one of the largest gatherings ever with 200+ people!

It was truly an exciting celebration for everyone. It felt so warm and rewarding to think we had any influence on who they had become.

You will want to select your child’s day care very carefully.

1.Be familiar with their mission statement.

2.Discuss their philosophy and make sure it will support an experience that will benefit your child.

3.Ensure it is a well rounded program, including education and social skills in a very healthy environment.

4.Visit the facilities at least twice. Be prepared and ask all the questions that are important to you.

5.Have a conversation with at least the parents whose child attends a daycare that you are considering.

6.Also check out Wonderschool to see if they have a facilities near you. They are worth investigating!

There are good day cares out there, but you have to seek them out!

Don’t settle!

It is your child’s future!

Good luck!

A Toddler Checklist!

Based on what I hear and see, I think it is time to review the toddler challenge.

I hope you have been communicating with your child since birth and are expecting them to understand you (which they do).

If that is the case, the toddler checklist will be an extension of your child’s experience of what is expected. If you have not been doing that, then this checklist will be extra challenging. Your toddler now has more verbal skills, more experience with how they can get their way with thing, and better control of their habits.

Either way, you have to acknowledge you are dealing with a more skilled and experienced child.

They now have figured out what works when you do not prepare for, or acknowledge, that the result could be a two year old out of control. This is where the “terrible two’s” expression was born.

So here are my guidelines.

1. They need to be taught that when you speak they need to listen and follow your directives. Be persistent and calm. It will take awhile for them to know that you mean it. Do not give up.

2. Set boundaries. Be clear on what they cannot do. Have possessions in the family space that they cannot have. They need to know that everything is not theirs. I.E. they should not play with your phone/radio ect.

3. One half of their awake time is teaching them how to play, and the rest will be observing their skill level in applying what you just taught them. There may be a lot of repetition, but expect them to complete each task or skill themselves. For example, they don’t know how to do a puzzle. You have to spend time with them and show them how to take the pieces from the puzzle box and fit them back in correctly. Also how to remove it from the storage area and return it. The entire process should be their responsibility. It makes them feel empowered.

4. When it comes to tasks, give them responsibility for personal ones i.e. putting their clothes in the hamper.

5. Only say what you really mean and follow up on it 100% of the time.

6. Take the time to explain and trust that they can problem solve. Don’t jump to help every time some small issue occurs, stand back and say, “you figure it out”.

7. Teach them to respect rules and follow them.

8. Do not give in when they are misbehaving in public.

9. Always keep your tone firm, respectful and calm.

10. If you still have infant toys, furniture or clothing – store them or give them away! Your child is no longer an infant.

Children thrive on responsibility. Give them as much as you can when it is safe to do so and it is a situation they can handle even if it could be a little stretch.

They need to start becoming confident and independent with your guidance and support!

When you and your child accomplish this, it will make both of you very proud and ensure they are btter prepared for the rest of their childhood.

Good luck!

Mother Nature Is Testing Us To Determine Whether We Know The Real Meaning of Thanksgiving!

This holiday has always been one of my favorites. It is all about family, love and gratitude and sharing this year because of all the tragedies that have occurred. It feels as though love and sharing, reaching out to those who have experienced huge losses are our priority.

Let us each take the time to reach out to everyone who has experienced losses, especially of family members. Our hearts go out to you.

We have created a plan that each of us will reach out to help in a very tangible way. Making a contribution, donating our time, sharing our home, even a message to someone who has suffered a great loss can be beneficial.

The stories that survivors have shared show such amazing strength and resilience, as well as a belief that circumstances will return to a manageable level.

Our thanks giving commitment this year is to focus on how each of us can offer assistance to someone in great need!

Maybe love and sharing are the most important meaning of Thanksgiving! Our love to everyone!

“I Love You” may be the most important words from a parent to a child!

Right now in Los Angeles we are witnessing the most destructive fires to ever occur in Southern California, with no more than a minutes notice, people are rushing from their homes to beat the flames and unfortunately some of them are not making it.

At a time like this, when there is so much unexpected tragedy, none of us can actually predict how each day will end.

Unintentionally, there are still days when a parent and child has had a difficult and challenging morning before coming to our day care. It may be that the child refused to get dressed, or eat breakfast, or can’t agree about clothing options, or is still tired and generally uncooperative. By the time they arrive at our door the parents’ patience has already been stretched and the start of their day already delayed.

Consequently, they are already late for whatever their work requirements were. Without thinking, they rush their child into our daycare without expressing any loving parting words. At that moment, their priority seems to be to leave their child as quickly as possible and apparently forget to say any parting words.

Make a commitment that regardless of any and all circumstances, you will tell your child that you love them before leaving. That one single statement will help both child and parent to let go of the difficult early morning experience and know that all is well. It immediately changes the energy and allows for a more pleasant day.

Under no circumstances should you leave your child while you are angry, you cannot be silent!
Make that commitment now, it will change your day! Love is a great healer!

We are hoping for a peaceful Holiday Time!

Do you want your child to be a good eater? Your chances of having that happen will dramatically improve if you start off correctly!

Paula did not realize that what she was doing may impact her son for a long time. Mark was then three months old, he weighed eight pounds and six ounces at birth and she was somewhat anxious should would be able to produce enough milk for him so she could nurse without any supplements.

Probably because of her anxiety, she was in the habit of picking him up as soon as he cried and nursing him. This was her action even when he had been fed once and a half hour earlier (sometimes even less). Since she had no way of knowing how many ounces he was really taking each time, this schedule was almost constant throughout a twenty four hour period. Sometimes there was a slightly longer break during the night, but it was not always one should could count on.

The situation did not change measurably as he got older, except he was crying louder each time, which she was still interpreting as hunger.

He joined our daycare at eighteen months. We realized instantly that he was definitely a crier and that he expected food every time he cried. We did succeed in keeping him on our schedule of 2 snacks and lunch and determined he was actually not a big eater, but was probably crying because he had created of habit of being a snacker.

We have had this experience with many children over the years. We have concluded that two things happen as a result of this behavior. The child becomes a snacker, needing food throughout the day at short intervals and is constantly hungry because their food intake was never sufficient to fill them up. 

There was the additional impact of an unbalanced diet, detrimental to their health and growth. In every case, both the challenge to reduce the crying and teach each child to be a better eater, took a significant amount of time.

We did need the cooperation of the parents to implement this corrective plan at home in order to be successful. One of their responsibilities was to provide and nourishing and adequate breakfast so the child would arrive at our daycare ready to last until snack.

Breaking a crying eating related habit is not easy. It is so much easier not to let it happen.

Your child needs to be stimulated, played with, taught, and connected with. Food is not the solution for every sign of distress. Help them to extend their time between food intake to at least three hours and make sure they are full when fed a meal.

Like all other challenges in life and parenting, to be successful you need to be 100% committed.

This approach will help your child grow to be a healthy eater with long term positive results and a lot less crying.

Good luck!

Holiday Time! The Most Fun, Anticipated, Exciting Time And The Most Perilous, Exhausting, Overwhelming And Scary Time!

I am beginning writing this blog last Monday, it is still two days before the beginning of the holiday season. Already children are crying more than usual, are exhausted, have less patience with each other and are more likely to either take too long of a nap or not be able to settle down for a nap.   

We expect to see these conditions continue from now until we close for the holiday on 12/21. 

The holiday season is actually one of my favorite times. Seeing more of the family, spending time with friends we may not see a lot during the year, and enjoying the sense of caring and unique 

festivities that take place, including our holiday get together, which always includes a huge number of alumni.

However the reality is that holiday time is very hard on young children. There is so much anticipation and it takes so long to happen. There are so many parties and special activities that interfere with their rest and calm time that it becomes difficult for them to effectively survive the season.

So here are some suggestions!

1.Try not to accept invitations that conflict with your child’s nap time and bedtime. When you feel you want to attend any of those events that do conflict, schedule a make up longer nap or earlier bedtime.

2.Scary situations should be avoided all the time. Seeing movies at a theater for example, is usually overwhelming. The space and screen are too large and the sound is too loud. If you think your child is ready for The Grind or any other movie, then watch it at home under comfortable circumstances and your ability to stop the story at any time.

3. Many children are overwhelmed by visiting Santa. Make sure they are old enough to understand what will happen. If they show any signs of fear I strongly suggest you pass on the experience until they are ready. That may be the next year or later. 

4. Keep the sugar factor and the treat factor low. Their food intake should be as healthy as usual with minimal treats. Their eating habits need to sustain their extra activities and emotional excitement.

It is worth the extra planning and consideration for your child’s needs in order for everyone to enjoy a happy holiday, you want 2018 to create happy memories!

Good luck!

Why We Established A Non-Violent Daycare From The First Day

We already knew that the philosophy that was the basis of our daycare program (that children are intelligent from the minute they are born) was a perfect environment for implementation of a non-violent program.

It was obvious and challenging that we had an expectation of our children that most of our parents did not. There was much questioning about how we were going to approach that.

We outlined the following playtime rules.

1.There would be no violent toys in the daycare i.e. guns, swords, military equipment.

2.The children could not make violent toys i.e. Duplos turning into guns, sticks used as swords, trucks and cars used to harm. 

3.No shooting sounds used during playtime.

4.No violent words i.e. kill, hit, hate as part of a game or interaction.

5.No use of any toy to hurt another child or as a weapon.

6.Initially, it was a major challenge since most of the children did not have these restrictions during the rest of their day.

As we expected, we were required to take a very creative role and suggest all of the fun, interesting, constructive ways they could play instead.

1. Play family

2. Build neighboring houses.

3. Create playgrounds, skyscrapers, zoos and schools.

4. Cook meals.

5. Take trips with their dolls.

6. Answer 911 calls and put out fires.

7. Visit their relatives and play games.

What has resulted is a whole new vocabulary and a much more educated, creative form of play.
Not surprisingly, they still are tempted to transform to their “away from daycare games”.
Each one of the times these instances occur draws a reminder from us that violent play is not acceptable. “Think of something fun to do.”

We also have taken the same approach with our corrective action.

1.Children are never bad. They may break a rule, not listen or have hurt a friend; we state whichever one of these situations is appropriate and make sure they understand.

2.They cannot hit, bit or kick/push a friend because “it hurts”.

3.They cannot grab a toy because “it is not theirs”. The child who had the toy says, “May I have that back please, it is mine” This may have to be repeated and if not done, it is followed up with the teacher saying, “Please give him back his toy”. Should the involved child lack the appropriate verbal skills for this communication, then the teacher will take that role so the child can learn the correct approach.

Injuries are also handled with a positive, realistic approach, and not something the child may use to get attention.

1.Band-Aids are not provided unless the skin is broken or bleeding.

2.Injuries are treated both calmly and appropriately. If first aids is required, it is done and the child is involved in the care as much as possible. Injuries are neither downplayed nor exaggerated, nor treated as a form of over the top attention.

3.If a child has been injured by another child, it is treated as a discussion on responsibility and concern. The aggressive child will play a role in aiding the injured child.
In all cases these instances serve as a reminder that we solve our disagreements with words, not with fists or objects.

One of the ongoing challenges to a non-violent commitment can be when you and your child attend a public event. This is especially true of birthday parties. It is wise to have a discussion prior to attending; you should share with your child how you will handle the situation if there are violent toys and how you expect them to act.

I hope many of you are already taking this approach and if not, find value in it. If you want your child to be kind, empathetic, respectful of everyone, and who they are, the seeds of that belief should be planned when they are young.

Good luck!

Play Skills - Your Child Needs To Be Taught In Order To Learn The Skills Required, And The Benefits Of, The Toys And Activities They Have Available As Well As Handle The Social Challenges

Paul arrives at school and just sits on the floor waiting for someone to tell him what to do.

James arrives and heads toward the toy chest and begins pulling out all the toys and throwing them on the floor.

Ginger arrives and selects a shapes cube, sits on the floor and calls on a teacher to come and put the shapes back in the cube for her.

Dennis has only been here for a month and forgets that he has to entertain himself. Consequently, he takes 1.5 hours and constant reminding that he has to choose his own activity.

Paula’s favorite words are “I can’t”. We have not yet seen her take the initiative to practice any new skill or solve any problem.

Any of those examples have been evident over the years. These are children who are entertained, underestimated, catered to, assisted, and approached with low expectations when they are home.

Parents are automatically assuming that their child learns the skills to:

1. Problem solve.
2. Accomplish several tasks in sequence.
3. Interact successfully with other children.
4. Learn a somewhat difficult skill.
5. Be independent.
6. Develops a longer attention span.
7. Enjoy and thrive on being independent.

Both our role and the parental role is to be a provider and teacher. Parents and teachers are not in the entertainment business when it comes to raising their children.

To Do

Begin the playtime process and the task learning process with half of your time together planned as teaching time, and the other half as child/parent tome. Once a skill has been taught, always observe and allow your child to resolve challenges themselves.

This approach applies to both fine motor skills, gross motor skills and cognitive challenges. Always applaud and encourage independence and persistence. Give them time to apply both mental and physical effort. Don’t jump in the second they hesitate.

When all the child’s caregivers are taking the same approach, results are amazing.

Especially never assist in, or do, a task for your child that you know they can accomplish successfully. You will be giving  the wrong message, eroding their confidence, encouraging their dependence, and generally prevent them from achieving their potential.

You want strong willed independent, skilled, confident children!

Give them the skills and trust they will accomplish their goals.

Good luck!

The Challenge Of Having Your Child Be a Vegetable Lover!

It is rare that a child who joins our daycare at 12 months or older is a good vegetable eater. Yet when we have them as part of our family from a younger age they are vegetable fans!

There are several obvious factors:

1.Vegetables need to be treated as an important ingredient in the family meals.

2.The parents need to be seen eating and enjoying them as a consistent diet component.

3.Do not let family history influence your decision if they were absent as a food group when you were growing up. We are now better educated as to their value.

4.Do not serve your child their favorite foods first and then expect them to be excited by their least favorite.

What To Do

1.Have your child sit at the table as soon as they can sit up in a high chair that is placed at the table. This is usually around 6 to 9 months.

2.To begin their meal, offer them small pieces of whatever vegetables have been prepared. It is ideal if they can pick up the pieces themselves and take responsibility for eating them. If they need assistance, provide it as long as necessary but as soon as they are capable, let them take over.

3.Make sure all vegetables have been steamed or prepared in a way that can be managed safely.

4.Ideally you will start with the green vegetables which usually have a stronger, less sweet taste. Once they are enjoying and are successful with them, you can add in the sweeter ones.

5.You will be amazed at how quickly your child will be eating an adequate quantity of vegetables to satisfy their complete requirement.

6.This approach is invaluable as the basis of their transition to regular food to complete their diet. It will be seamless.

With all the nutritional information now available, it is evident how important vegetables are to a balanced diet.

It is so important that your child grow up on a well balanced diet!

Good luck!

The Anxiety, Stress and Challenges of Toilet Training and Then The Sudden Solution!

We have always believed and still practice that toilet training is the child’s responsibility and decision.

This is the last significant function that a child must understand, show interest in, review the steps of the process, and make a clear choice communicating that they are ready to complete.
This is particularly true when the child is a verbal, independent, strong willed personality, which most of our children are.

At any number of stages in their development, parents will inquire when they are going to be toilet trained. Our answer is always the same: it will happen when the child says they are ready.
There are several reasons for that answer.

1.It is a body function that only the child can handle. Neither parent nor any adult can influence or control it.

2.It is the last function that ends any baby or toddler experience.

3.It can be turned into a “get even” weapon if the child chooses when they are angry, stressed or displeased with treatment they are getting.

4.When approached positively, it is a confidence building accomplishment preparing them for their preschool challenges.

5.It supports independence and pride.

Considering all this, Victor and Angela were always inquiring from us when their daughter Priscilla was going to be toilet trained. They share every incident when she would successfully use the toilet at home and couldn’t understand why we were not following up at the daycare.

We constantly assured them that the subject was often discussed and choices were offered to any appropriate age or child that expressed interest at the daycare. Sometimes this was on a daily basis.
We would give them the choice of lining up with the children who were using the toilet, either prior to outside playtime or nap time. This was instead of waiting with younger children to have their diaper changed.

Priscilla always refused that option.

Unexpectedly. one day her best friend Anne, who was several month younger, requested to line up to use the toilet.

We were pleasantly surprised, not only at her request but at the success she had for the rest of the day and the following day after we had put training underwear on her instead of a diaper.

There are some important rewards for this last big responsibility when it is accomplished. A child receives a larger drinking glass (color of their choice), new eating utensils and, best of all, the right to enjoy the large slide with the tree house attached.

Priscilla observed this major change for two days. Not only was her best friend hardly playing with her, but she only had toddlers left to play with.

She tolerated this situation for two days, and on the third day, when everyone lined up to use the toilet, she announced that she was ready to be there too.

She was instantly successful for the first day with no accidents and a confident approach.
Like all the children who are expected to make the choice and decision to be toilet trained, she has taken the responsibility seriously. Using the toilet never becomes an issue since it was the child’s choice and therefore there is no anxiety or stress about it.

Her parents instantly became believers in our approach and not only thanked us, praised Priscilla, but were able to totally relax and trust her to handle all her bathroom needs no matter what was happening, including travel and social events.

I hope this case study helps all of you who are dealing with this very important milestone in your family’s life.

Good luck!

Parenting Is A Partnership! Communication and Agreement Is Critical To Successful Results!

We keep finding ourselves communicating with parents who say one of the following:

1.It’s up to his mom to teach/train him, I’m fine with whatever she wants.

2.I can’t stand it when he cries and I know I shouldn’t give in, but I give him what he wants even though I know it upsets his dad.

3.I’ll do whatever his dad wants, he’s the boss.

4.Our daughter is too young to understand. We’re going to wait until shes two. I know her dad doesn’t agree with this and thinks we should be teaching her our values now.

It is rare that parents have even discussed this when I ask them to write down their expectations of their child in terms of behavior standards and values.

Case Study

Sara joined our daycare when she was two and a half. She was like a “wild child”, she ran from one thing to another, did not display and play skills, had a serious deficiency in verbal skills, was a poor listener, and showed signs of aggression prompted by anger.

Her mother’s comment, “Now that I am observing her through your eyes I can better understand and interpret her behavior. I am horrified! But I can’t take all of the responsibility; every time I wanted to speak to her dad about her behavior his response was ‘You are in charge of that’ even though I often complained about her behavior and how I was exhausted and embarrassed by it.”

It was apparent that not only were these two parents not on the same page, but to add to the anxiety and frustration, the dad was placing blame and poor results on Sara’s mom.

At this point, I discontinued the discussion and had each parent write down the values and behavior expectations they expected of Sara.

Since this was the first time they had ever discussed or completed such an exercise, the mom especially was shocked but pleasantly surprised that they really wanted similar results.

We outlined a plan.

1.They would talk until they agreed on four values and four behavior standards.

2.Whichever parent was initially involved in any situation would handle the situation and
consequences. This involved telling the child exactly what they should have done and what follow up consequences there would be.

3.Consequences only kicked in when a correction was being considered after the second incident of a specific behavior.

4.We always recommend that the child is “removed from the social environment” but still visible.

5.A review of the behavior is shared and expectations reinforced before the child returns to play or whatever activity she was involved in.

6.The second parent does not interfere, but if they must comment, it is a short phrase supporting the other parent’s action.

We informed the parents that this challenge would be forever and must be consistent and never contradicted.

We heard back from Sara’s parents that they were beginning to see measurable improvement in her behavior after two weeks.

Mostly there was a significant reduction in tension and frustration between the parents. This was being replaced by a real feeling of partnership in achieving the kind of results they had both wanted but never discussed.

They are looking forward to a lot of work ahead but also a huge reward.

Good luck to all of you who recognize that this approach would be a wise move for you!
Notes: I really missed speaking with you for the last few weeks! It has been a very hectic end of summer for me with many changes and challenges.

I love the weekly messages and I hope you do too!

How to Achieve The Best Success In a Dual or Multi-Language World!

Case 1. Darla joined our daycare when she was 2 years and 4 months old. She had no language skills whatsoever and in desperation her parents had taught her sign language. Sign language is a huge advantage for a child who has been identified as having a permanent impediment for speech. When it is used as a solution for a situation that has not been correctly addressed, it is an impediment for skilled verbal development.

She was living in a dual language home where the mother was speaking Italian and accented English and the father was speaking English with a few Italian words thrown in. In reality, they were speaking to her in three languages.

We immediately recommended that the mother speak only Italian and the dad would only speak English.

We were also reinforcing the English language at the daycare and as with all children, established an expectation that she would begin requesting and responding verbally.

After two weeks she began demonstrating a reasonable developed basic language and, not surprisingly, now understands that she needed to speak Italian to her mom. Four to six months later she was fluent in both languages.

Case 2. Oren joined our daycare when he was two and a half. At that point his life he was completely non-verbal and was demonstrating anti-social behavior that was possibly leading to a childhood of therapies and behavior evaluations that were mostly negative that may remain with him throughout his childhood.

We found out that he began his life hearing his mother speak Japanese and his father speak English. This was obviously a good start. However, when they decided to place him in a daycare we had no space available and they selected a location where the caregivers and children spoke Spanish. AS time passed they became aware that the caregivers were also speaking heavily accented English and by the age of two, he was totally non-verbal.

Because they felt it would improve the situation, the mom began speaking English which would stimulate him to at least speak that language. The reality was that because she spoke heavily accented English, she was in fact introducing him to yet another language.

Everyone began to see signs of aggressive and non-verbal behavior that was leading the caregivers to believe that he would need a professional evaluation to determine what his condition really was.

When the parents were contacted by use because there was now an available space at our daycare, upon hearing the details of his experience, we initially concluded that by communicating with him in five different languages he had been isolated from his world, was angry and frustrated, and was acting out physically since he was unable to communicate verbally.

We recommended that the parents go back to only speaking to him in their native language and we would only speak English.

Within a month, he was listening to us, starting to follow the rules, interacting with the other children in a non-aggressive manner, and in fact, beginning to be educated and socialized. He was also beginning to communicate in the English language, which is the one he was hearing the most.

We really encourage that there is a strong possibility these previous circumstances were the cause of the anti-social behavior.

Case 3. Maria join use when she had just turned two. She already understood and spoke Farsi (her mother’s language) and Portuguese (her father’s language). She had never been in an environment where people spoke English.

It was the parents’ goal to introduce her to English. They had been traveling a lot because of their business and were now ready to remain in LA for at least a year.

She spent the first two months just listening and trying to figure out what we were all saying. There was a pivotal moment when she realized she understood some of the basic words such as milk, hungry and food. We actually saw a light go on in her eyes and a smile of understanding appeared.

It was amazing from that day how quickly she picked up the language and to our surprise, spoke it without an accent.

It was exciting and rewarding that within six to eight months she could communicate her needs and understand everything we were telling her.

Conclusions

Over the many years we have operated our daycare we have had hundreds of children who came from dual language families.

Living in Los Angeles we are interacting with families from all over the world and ones that have blended cultures that value different languages.

The majority of families involved one parent whose primary language was English because most of our families joined us when their child was in their first year. They followed our advice to have each parent speak their primary language only at all times.

Interestingly, we were obviously reinforcing the English language at our daycare, but the child tended to speak both languages almost simultaneously.

In all cases, a child learning two languages became proficient at a slightly older age than a child learning only one language. Our one language children were proficient at the age of two, who the dual language child reached that level with both languages in most cases three to four months later.

I think it is a huge advantage for a child to embrace and benefit from, as well as acknowledge the uniqueness of both cultures that they have been born to our brought into. It is a strange, adventuress and invaluable opportunity.

If these case studies are reflective of your experiences, embrace the challenges and give your child the benefits of what is unique, interesting, and life altering.

For all of you who are taking this path, good luck!

The Dumbing Down Of the English Language to Accommodate Our Children!

Or is it because adults think it is appealing or cute to hold onto words that sound infantile as a connection to their child.

This issue is a hot button for me and has been a subject of discussion on my blog at previous occasions.

It seems lately there is a constant and reinforced use of one of my least favorite words, “owie” or is it “owee”?! It is hard to know how to correct or spell a non word.

Do we think our children cannot distinguish between a cut, a bruise, a scrape, a burn a bite, a rash or an itch?!

There is an inference by both parent and child (this seems to include all adults related or not) to not only blindly group all these possibilities into a situation where the adult mostly overacts, misinforms and generally offers some visible care when in fact, none is warranted or needed.
Crying seems to be expected as well as the latest cartoon character Band-Aid and possibly some reward, (sugar maybe?)

Think of how much wiser and educated children would be if:

1. The condition is correctly labeled.

2. A Band-Aid is only used if the skin has been broken with the possibility the area is bleeding.

3. An anti-itch product is used for insect bites as appropriate before they are scratched and scabbed.

4. The seriousness or lack of, is calmly explained so the child understands what is happening i.e. in most cases a bruise requires no care.

5. Rewards are not connected with minor daytime, playtime injuries.

6. Children will not need to exaggerate their condition since they clearly understand they probably need to be more careful and reduce the possibilities of injury.

It is interesting that when children are injured at daycare, the situation is discussed correctly and, if any follow-up care is required, that is clearly explained.

In almost all cases, they are made aware of how to avoid that injury in the future.

Taking responsibility for what could happen to you and learning to reduce injuries should be the goal.
That is not going to happen when adults overact, do not educate, and turn what should be a learning experience into a pity moment.

As you can tell, advanced verbal skills, education, personal responsibility are high on my list for all children.

Let’s treat them as the intelligent begins they are.

Try it and you will see the interaction completely change for the better!

Good luck!

Family Vacation Time? How to ensure it is a maturing opportunity for your child and a rewarding experience for the whole family.

August is the favorite month for family travel and can be a daunting experience for parents. They are trying to figure out how to have everyone enjoy the experience and return feeling successful and rewarded.

Firstly you need to plan ahead, especially in terms of how this experience will impact your child and the family experience.

For Infants

Suggestions

If your child is under the age of one, your challenge is to try and keep them on their feeding and sleep schedule as much as possible. This is particularly true if you are travelling to different time zones. Many parents have achieved their greatest success by keeping infants on their home time schedule regardless of where they are. This will probably create some inconvenience for you, but the feedback seems to indicate the positive results outweigh any inconveniences.

Make sure they have enough toys and books etc. so they are occupied during their awake time.

Do not get in the habit of carrying them around all the time or expecting them to be quiet all the time.

Make sure they have stimulating activity and adequate floor time.

Hopefully you are vacationing in a child friendly environment that can be comfortable for everyone.

If your child is older, you want them to take some responsibility and be more included in the process.

Suggestions

Make sure they have their own backpack. This should contain a few of their favorite books, some new books, small activities that they may be able to handle on their own in an airplane or car and a small sketch or doodle item.

They should be responsible for their backpack and its contents and carry it themselves at all times.

Inform them each day what the planned activities are. This should include names of all locations, what they can expect, as much information about the purpose of each activity, and what you expect from them. A review of their knowledge at the end of each day is always a good wrap up.

Outline their responsibilities for each day and what you expect. This may become a discussion. If so, listen and accommodate them when possible. If that is not an option, tell them why and be firm.

Under no circumstances should they be sharing your bed. Arrange for air beds, cots etc. We have often seen any maturing process lost when they are not respected as individuals where sleep space is concerned.

Do Not OVERBOOK! Exhaustion can ruin the best plans and also create misbehavior.

Try to remain on a schedule that is as close to normal as possible.

If they are returning to an organized environment upon their return, then allow them enough transition time to readjust.

Remember to acknowledge their positive behavior and great listening skills at the end of each day.

We have consistently witnessed more mature behavior when a child returns to our daycare after a well planned vacation.

Good luck!

Sleep Challenges!

“We are seriously having some serious sleep issues with my one you old. She is extremely difficult to get to sleep at naptime, and now she is waking up in the middle of the night, which she has not done in months. No matter what we do, it is either a screaming scene until she is hoarse and then we feel badly and pick her up, or else we lie down with her.

We hear horror stories from our friends and want to prevent her from becoming a difficult sleeper. Bringing into our bed is not an option!”

These parents have the right idea. They are seeking a solution to correct these problems before they become permanent and a serious threat to everyone having proper rest and a good night’s sleep.
Lets talk about the nap issue first. There is often a transition in terms of naps anywhere from ten to twelve months. She is right in the middle of this change.

If by 11:00am to 11:30am your child does not seem that tired, you may probably make the move to one longer afternoon nap instead of finding yourself battling with your child to get them to sleep in the morning.

Plan a calmer play schedule at this time, including reading so they are taking a breather. Lunch should then follow by noon and nap at one. They will be very tired by that time, have eaten well, and fall into a deeper sleep for two to two and a half hours or even longer.

Your child will be giving you signals about how much delay they can handle, so there will be some flexibility about exact times. Plan to be home when you are figuring this routine out so you will be able to determine how the plan is proceeding and turn it into a positive result.

If this plan is not working for you i.e. if they are so tired by lunch that they are not getting enough food or are too fussy and cross, then you may want to introduce a different strategy.

For example: Do some quiet reading for five to ten minutes and tell them that it will be naptime when you are done. Then put your child to bed with a clear directive that you will stay with your hand on their back until they are fully asleep. At this age they should be sleeping on their stomach which is more restful and less likely to stimulate play.

We have found this approach to work with everyone. Tell them that when they wake up, they should call for you and not be anxious.

Leave them as soon as they fall asleep.

This approach can work again for the afternoon nap. Make sure they have been up and active for at least three hours and again, begin with reading. They are usually more tired for this nap and will probably fall asleep sooner.

Now we have the challenge of your child waking up in the middle of the night.
Here is a typical scenario:

1. They wake up screaming and probably calling for you one night and you rush in to see what is wrong.

2. After reviewing the obvious
        a.No fever
        b.Is not puling at their ears
        c.Did not do a BM

You realize that possibly nothing serious really happened. You are now somewhat undecided about what to do, but know that everyone has lost some valuable sleep.

3. You may decide you will somehow get them and yourself back to sleep and wait to see what happens next.

4. If it happens again the next night with no cause, you can determine you probably should move to the solution before it becomes a habit.

Tell your child before bedtime the next night that they are fine and need to sleep through the night without waking up. Also, that under no circumstances are you going to go into their room or verbally communicate with them.

The duration of this situation will depend on your child’s personality and whether you have a relationship with them so that they know you mean what you say.

If the answer to the above is positive , the behavior will change quickly, probably in one to two nights.

If you don’t, it will still work but may take longer.

I strongly recommend that you correct this situation quickly, otherwise it will leave everyone exhausted and it will become harder to make it through the day!

Take the best and most positive action for you and your child!

Good luck!

Why Corrective Action Should Always Be Approaches As a Positive Teaching Opportunity, Not a Negative Disciplinary Approach!

I periodically address this issue partly because it is so important, as well as the basis of a parent/child relationship, and also because certain times of the year are most in need of a clear behavior and values agreement between both parents and their child.

Summer vacation time is one of them.

Several things are obviously impacting the family lifestyle.

1.       No scheduled school time.

2.       Longer daylight time.

3.       Both short and long vacation trips.

4.       Increased fatigue from all the increased activity.

It is impossible to over emphasize the importance of maintaining rules and expectations during times of change.

Do

1.       All behavior and value expectations need to be clearly defined again.

2.       Parents must agree no matter what is happening.

3.       No parent can contradict the other under any circumstances.

4.       All behavior correction must be approached as a positive teaching moment with clear consequences.

5.       Reinforce your expectations.

6.       Ensure everyone is getting enough sleep and down time.

Do not

1.       Resort to punishment.

2.       Lose your cool.

3.       Over book.

4.       Feel guilty and turn a teaching moment into a passive reward.

5.       OVER BOOK

Summer should be a wonderful time to have more opportunities for rewarding family experiences.

They will only become that if all expectations are kept in mind!

Have a great summer!

How To Prevent Cat Napping, Snacking and Create a Healthier Schedule For Your Infant! We repeatedly experience these behavior patterns with infants and young toddlers who join our daycare.

Somewhere between five months and eight months, your infant should be having three meas a day with a light snack mid morning and mid afternoon. They should also be napping one to one and a half hours in the a.m. and 1.5 hours in the p.m.

So what is happening that we rarely see this pattern when these age groups join our daycare?

Let’s talk first about the snacking.

1. A four to five month old is very different than a newborn. Realistically, most one to three month old infants need to be fed whenever they communicate with a hunger cry. Three to five month old infants should be expected to wait awhile between daytime feeds. They can have more interactive communication and playtime so they can begin taking eight oz feeds and reduce the number of times they are fed. For example, they will have 3 eight oz bottles during the day and one 8 oz night feed.

2. At five to six months you will be adding in cereal and creating three distinct meal times.

3. The two snacks in between one in the a.m. and one in the p.m. can be banana/applesauce etc.

4. They will remain on this schedule for the rest of their first year, during which you will be adding in more solids and keeping the milk intake to three daily and one night. Part of their milk intake will be provided in their cereal.

5. They will be satisfied to take five to six hours between meals when they are fully fed.

6. The most common tendencies we see is for the parents to give them a milk feeding or a snack every time they seem distressed instead of occupying them creatively at those times.

7. This fear year is super important if you want to have a healthy, well nourished child with good habits forever.

Now we get to cat napping.

1. Cat nappers are infants or toddlers who have created a pattern of very short naps, morning and afternoon.

2. Very often this occurs because they are away from home during nap time and fall asleep in their car seat or stroller and are awakened when arrive home. If this situation is frequently repeated, it becomes their sleep pattern no matter where they are.

Your child is awaked during his nap approximately thirty to forty minute into their nap. This often happens in the afternoon nap. It is unlikely they have had enough rest. What happens I that you pick them up instead of putting them back to sleep. This timeframe is hardly ever enough sleep. It may take some of your time, a calming touch, to make them fall asleep again. Trust me! It is worth it.
Speaking to any experienced parent, you will find that they agree: when you child is a good eater and a good sleeper, you can probably handle anything that happens during the rest of the day.

Invest your time now, because the payoff is great!

Good luck!

Happy Father's Day!

It has been such a great experience witnessing so many wonderful Dads taking a major role in their children's' lives. Congratulations and thanks! Keep it up!

What do I do when my son is being extremely physical in expressing his feelings for a girl at his Daycare?

A question from a reader:

“What do I do when my son is being extremely physical in expressing his feelings for a girl at his Daycare? He can’t seem to stop hugging her, holding her hand, telling her he loves her and generally wanting to be near her all the time.”

Through the years, we have had many children who had very strong feelings and physical attachments to other children. Most of the time, it was a situation where girls would talk of marrying one of the boys (often two or three girls with the same boy).

We have also had situations that were more intense. One that comes to mind was a two year old boy who would immediately seek out a younger girl when he arrived at daycare, give her a warm hug, and then generally choose to be near her or be helpful to her. They were often referred to by other parents as behaving like an old married couple.

Coincidentally, very recently, we had a relationship between a 4 and ½ year old boy and a 3 and ½ year old girl that suddenly escalated from great playmates to inseparable friends and then to intense physical interaction and a desire to be isolated. 

At that point I took them aside and the following conversation occurred.

Me: I realize you really care about each other, I see you hugging, holding hands, sharing verbal endearments and wanting to be alone. I am glad you enjoy each other, but you have to be older to express yourselves in such a strong manner.

The boy: Can we do it when I am twenty?

Me: Of course you can.

The boy: When we get married?

Me: Absolutely!

They instantly moved forward to a relationship that was similar to the way they were before.
What was important?

-Their feelings were acknowledged and validated.

-They were not reprimanded in any way.

-They were given a positive message that strong emotional attachment at any age is valid.

Do Not

-Label their behavior as bad, wrong, unacceptable or not allowed.

-Punish them.

-Try and keep them separated.

Respect, a clear positive directive, and support for who they are will always give positive results.

Good Luck!

A Early Father’s Day Celebration!

I realize I could have saved this story until the actual day, except it was so heartwarming I have to share it now.

As you probably know by now, I am always drawn to the sight of a dad with a child, caring for them on his own. It is particularly appealing if it is a very young child.

What I witnessed at the supermarket on Sunday was a dad pushing one of the available accommodation cars (the ones often offered in supermarkets). In this case, it was a two seater with an upper backseat that faced the parent. The children were a 4 ½ year old boy, a 3 year old boy and in the backseat, a 19 month old boy.

What caught my attention was not only the obvious and their appealing appearance, but the fact that the dad was involving them in the shopping process, using a normal calm tone and appropriate language. They were discussing the choice being made as they moved along the aisles.

The other factor that was somewhat unique is that they were not eating. Often parents will supply snack foods in order to keep children quiet.

I lost track of them for a few minutes, and then as I came to the end of an aisle, I smiled as I saw the dad carrying the 19th month old while following the older two to the restroom. What could be more demanding than one parent to take three young boys into a public restroom?

Finally they were checking out in front of me. If you closed your eyes you would have thought that this dad was communicating with friends; he was speaking in such a natural, involved and respectful manner.

This man has taken on the most demanding job in the world. He is obviously clear and comfortable in their relationship and is enjoying the reward of that.

At no time did I hear raised voices, arguments or demands.

Happy Early Father’s Day Dads!

The Best Ways To Transition Your Infant To Eating Regular Food and Successfully Drinking From a Cup

Without exception, children who have joined our daycare in their second year are still on a bottle or nursing and eating pureed food or a minimum selection of regular food. This is often true for eighteen month + children.

Obviously, the longer you wait to make the transition, the more challenging it is, and almost no measurable success has occurred. In this case, the typical result is that their menu is limited to their favorite foods, and vegetables are rarely an important part of their diet.

We begin in their ninth month by offering them one component of the older children’s menu. A vegetable is the best start, usually with a green one. They can successfully handle peas, green beans (cut into small parts) and then move on to carrots or whatever is on the menu.

If they are able to pick them up and feed themselves that is the best! If not, being fed with a spoon serves the same purpose.

You can then move on to proteins, carbs/grains and then fruit.

If there are allergies in your family, introduce these one at a time for several days and watch for any reaction.

As it is the case at our daycare, vegetables must be eaten first, followed by proteins, carbs/grains and then fruits.

We have stayed true to this pattern, even in the introduction stages with the most success.

We take the same approach with liquids. We introduce whole milk in a regular size cup (six to seven ounces – no top). Obviously we are holding the cup with the infants to keep the flow controlled and the cup balanced. We have never had an infant resist this approach. The result is that by their first birthday they are drinking an adequate supply of milk without relying on a bottle. You can include water as needed. Do not introduce juice until the infant is enjoying the process and is successful at it. If they are getting a diet of adequate fruit intake, you may be able to skip that step.

In almost all cases, we have been successful at enjoying seeing our one year old seated at the tables with the other children and successfully enjoying the same food.

You can accomplish the same at home! Place your child’s high chair at the table with you and welcome them to a family mealtime environment.

They key to all this is:

1.       Starting early.

2.       Treating it as a natural growth skill.

3.       Preparing them to give up their bottle/nursing and their pureed food at their first birthday without negative consequences.

When everyone in the family is involved in this transition, it is amazingly rewarding.

Rashes? It takes some common sense, an honest evaluation of circumstances, and action to come up with an answer!

 Over the years we have experiences many forms of rashes, including measles, chicken pox, hand-foot-and mouth, allergies to food, and sensitive skin conditions.

Many times they initially were a challenge to identify and treat.

This time, Michael, who was one, began scratching his legs every time we were changing his diaper. The rest of the day, this area of his body was covered by clothing.

Small blotches and irritated areas began to appear on his legs with the most irritation being at his ankles.

This increased condition was diagnosed by a pediatrician as the result of his tendency to be a “compulsive scratch-er”. At the age of one that did not seem reasonable to me, but unfortunately we did not take any corrective action immediately.

We started reviewing what I call “lifestyle possibilities” and since I felt the condition actually resembles a heat rash, it could be cause by too warm and fitted clothing and coverings. During sleep time this is common when infants seem most vulnerable to having their bodies overheat.

We also switched to cotton only and loose clothing for both and night to allow his skin to breathe and treated the area with concentrated skin lotion.

We actually saw very light improvement initially and then the condition actually got worse. Some of this result was due to the fact that he had access to the irritated areas when clothing and diapers were being changed.

Certainly the changes we made were a plus, but we were not getting the result we wanted and in fact, the lower areas of his legs appeared to be infected.

Finally, and obviously, an appointment was scheduled with a dermatologist. This diagnosis was eczema, a serious skin condition that now requires a detailed treatment regimen and a long term plan to control and possibly prevent follow up occurrences.

There is a history of this skin condition remaining in a person’s system and reoccurring at times throughout their life.

This is one time I did not follow my own rules.

1. Analyze each condition affecting your child’s health.

2. if you are knowledgeable and/or experienced in terms of a treatment, then it could be reasonable to follow and implement that experience.

3. If after 10 days, there is no improvement that is measurable, then you would be wise to call in a specialist.

Raising children is always a challenge, especially when illness is involved.

Good luck!

Toilet training? There is always a new detail to make it work!

Peter is now almost three years old and is still not toilet trained. He has always talked about having some of the perks that go with that achievement.

-Playing on the big slide.

-Getting a bigger cup for drinks.

-Getting a bigger spoon for meals.

-Line up with his friends to go to the bathroom before outside playtime instead of with the younger children to have a diaper change.

He finally says one day that he is ready to be toilet trained and we are very excited and supportive.

However, he goes days without any success. This is not really that unusual and everyone remains very positive including Peter.

After the interminable time of two full weeks of trying, he is partially successful. We share with him that we are not sure he has really emptied his bladder (we are looking for yellow water). We decide after an extended time to let him get off the toilet. Ten minutes later, he has had an accident and is somewhat concerned when this incident is shared with his dad at pick up time.

After two more days of the same experience, it is obvious he is having difficulty emptying his bladder. We decide to make a few changes to help him.

1. We lift the rim of the toilet so his body is at a different angel on the toilet. His backend is lower than his knees.

2. Instead of just pushing his clothes down to his ankles, we actually remove them so his legs have some flexibility and his body can be a little lower and more comfortable.

3. Finally, for the next two days he is able to completely empty his bladder each time he uses the toilet.

4. The next day he asks to be excused from the lunch table to pee and guess what? He has a huge B.M. at the same time.

He is awed by his performance and we have learned a new emergency technique.

There are high fives all around.

“I don’t need diapers any more ever!”

I hope this helps anyone out there looking for a new idea to achieve success.

Good luck!

Sleep Bags? What are they really for? How long should they be used?

This subject only seems to be discussed when we discover that sleep bags are being used for children attending our daycare when they are at home.

They do not seem like a comfortable and natural way for an infant to be clothed while sleeping since they essentially restrict their movements.

Several situations have been shared with us:

-My son had a habit of flailing his arms as soon as we would put him in his crib. He was so active that he had a hard time falling asleep and we were advised to use a sleep bag.

-I automatically used one because I thought it would keep my daughter warmer during the cold months.

-My pediatrician recommended swaddling my infant and using a sleep bag as a normal thing to do. We never were advised when we should discontinue it, and finally when he outgrew it, he was always having difficulty falling asleep and turned into a poor sleeper.

We believe that having an infant sleep on their stomach is the most natural way. However many of you are following one of the guidelines of the CDC to prevent SIDS and are having your infant sleep on their back in their early months. The sleep bag can possibly be a benefit to prevent your infant from flailing or playing and having difficulty sleeping.  

Once your infant can turn over at will, you may want to place them in regular pajamas. This reduces their ability to play, increases the soundness of the sleep time, and allows movement upon awakening.

Infants who have had a restful sleep will wake up happy and entertain themselves in their crib. This is also an environment for their first experience at pulling themselves up and practicing early waking time.

If you feel safer keeping them in a sleep bag a while longer, we suggest that it not be past their first birthday.

Movement and independent physical activity and challenges is an important part of their physical development.

Don’t physically confine you child unless it is in their best interest.

Good luck!

An Update On My Exciting Journey With Wonderschool!

We are launching a fellowship program with a first meeting scheduled for April 21st 2018!

If you are interested you can sign up HERE!

This is a program for:
1. Current Wonderschool family care providers.
2. All current family care providers.
3. Individuals interested in opening a family day care.

The fellowship program will educate in all areas of the Smart Parent/Smart Child philosophy.

This is a philosophy that was considered revolutionary when I opened my daycare. It has now been validated by long term scientific research.

You will be educated, given the necessary knowledge, and mentored to become a successful childcare provider.

You will be able to rely on an ongoing support system.

Please sign up for our first introductory meeting!

Hope to see you there!

Good Luck!

The Fascination, Joy, Uniqueness and Challenges Of Infants!

It is really rare that there are two children under the age of one (our definition of an infant) in our daycare giving us an opportunity to observe and guide them as individuals who are learning to be socialized.

We have always understood that infants begin life as an intelligent, unique being. It is our challenge as educators to recognize the developmental areas that will require more of our involvement, and their strengths that will only need encouragement and support. Along with this, they will need to be socialized so they can grow within their family and general social environment.

Their differences
1. One child is very physical, stood up firmly at seven months. The other child showed no interest or ability to accomplish that until eleven months even when given assistance and encouragement.

2. One is an ongoing babbler and attention getting screamer while the other tends to be a “smiler” but quiet.

3. One wants company most of the time, while the other is very independent and interacts when company is available but shows no anxiety when it isn’t.

4. One never really cries when injured or confronted by another child taking a toy, or when hungry. The other has an attention getting cry and emotional response when their needs are not immediately met.

Our success in helping both of them become socialized is in supporting their individuality and realizing their different personalities. They are both open to understanding and following our expectations when they are respected and effectively communicated with.

1. We took the time to identify their natural strengths, encourage them in those areas , but spend more time on those necessary skills they had to develop and spend more time to be successful at.

2. We provided them with activities that supported their natural strengths but gave equal time, and sometimes more, for areas they had to really work at.

3. We taught both of them early on that there were areas and toys/activities that were off limits to them. Since they were both crawling, a simple change of tone and a firm “no” would stop them in their tracks and we would redirect them to an appropriate area. It was amazing that two children with very different personalities understood this message. It was because we are consistent and always followed throw.

4. They both also became “good eaters” this area can be a real challenge. We not only fed them a variety of foods while they were on pureed foods, but also introduced them to regular food by nine months. This was in small portions and careful selections. We started with the challenges first such as greens and somewhat bland foods.

It was an interesting time since I was also training a new assistant. She had the day to day experience seeing two very different children respond so well to our expectations.

This is going to be true for your infant. Take the time to really know who they are and believe that they will be helped when you have clear expectations for them

So what my assistant saw is that all children need clear boundaries and directives and will meet your expectations, even though they have different strengths and personalities possibly even from you.
Agree clearly and communicate!

Good luck!

Enjoy!

Crying!

Crying? Is it a sign that your child is seriously hurt? Very sad? Or is it a constant style of communication that is utilized to get their way because it works?

Case One

-Phillip cries when he requests breakfast at our daycare and that request is denied because it is too late, almost snack time!

-He cried when he has to return a toy that he grabbed from a friend!

-He cried when he is required to clean up his toys prior to work time!

-He cries when a child has a truck he wants and the other child refuses to give it to him.

One day he but another child and was taken out of playtime and required to stand at the green door (our designated area). He cried forever, finally stopped and stated, “I am done crying and I want to go and play.” Our response was, “You are there because you bit William, not because you are crying.” There was a pause and then the following statement was made, “Well then I am going to cry again.” Proof that he was crying to manipulate the situation and get his way.

Case Two

-Evan cries for everything: When he can’t put his jacket on himself, when he can’t take it off, when a friend will not play with him even though they are already involved in a play group.

-When he says he can’t write his name even though he has been writing it for months.

-When he can’t remember what day it is.

-When he deliberately crashes into a playmate while riding a bike even though the child that was hit is fine and does not say a word.

Case Three

-Erika cries when the parent she was not expecting arrives to pick her up from daycare.

-She cried when she can’t find the toy she wants i.e. animal in the duplo box, a specific pony, a certain small dinosaur.

-She cries when she can’t have the bicycle she wants during outside playtime.

-She cries when another child gets to her favorite chair before she does.

Strategy

What is challenging for us is that any child’s behavior that works at home is brought to daycare. It is not the reverse.

In every instance, it required a daily commitment on our part to help each of these children understand that “Crying to get your way” does not work at the daycare.

Every child’s experience was different, but as they mature, they fully understand that in every one of the examples we shared. It required them to communicate, negotiate, and realize that in many instances they were not going to get what they wanted, and either had to accept and alternative or possibly nothing.

Understandably, the older the child, the more challenging it was. Even though we were communicating with the parents on a daily basis regarding the process, in some cases, the parents were still giving in.

In all cases, the child was always angry at the inconsistency and betrayal!

These challenges may take longer to correct because crying has worked for them, probably for their whole life! Trust me! They will change when they know and realize you are firm and consistent.

Obviously when they are really hurt or very sad, be specific with them why you are sympathetic.

Teachers in elementary school are experiences a high percentage of children who still use this approach to communicate and get their way. Be specific with them and identify every circumstance where they are using the crying solution!

When this approach works, and it does, it allows your time together to be more positive and establishes an environment and relationship for your child to be a better communicator, more mature, and responsible for their actions.

Good luck!

Listening! The Most Important Behavior For Successful Parenting!

This appears to be the most challenging responsibility for parents, partly because it involves so much of a parent/child relationship on an ongoing basis.

Case I

Jessie, Barry’s Mom, arrives at the daycare and notices that he is very absorbed in adding to a road he has built for his cars.

She requests that he put it away because they have to leave immediately. She sits down on the floor beside him and keeps repeating the request. Barry continues to play and does not even look at her.

This scenes continues for five minutes while he adds to his game.

She finally starts taking the game apart without warning. Barry is upset and tries to grab the blocks from her as she is returning them to the tub.

The fact is that his mom rarely follows through on her requests she he had no expectation that she would destroy his game. He begins screaming and reaching to retrieve the blocks.

After a heated tussle, they leave with the mom pulling him by the hand.

Case II

Pamela and Mark disagree on behavior standards for Peter. We notice that Peter has developed a particularly aggressive relationship with his mom who is inconsistent and tends to do most of his work rather than give him the time to be responsible and efficient.

We start to see an increase in his disrespect for her and one night, he throws his jacket at her with the order “Here, take this!” in a very loud voice, and pushes past her out the door and runs to play in the yard.

She waits outside until he decides he is ready to leave and she follows carrying his jacket.

Analysis and Guidelines

This issue is an ongoing challenge for us, experienced caregivers. To convince and guide our parents to a realization that setting rules and boundaries and being 100% consistent in following them actually results in successful parenting with great results. It makes life so much more enjoyable, rewarding and pleasant for everyone. It also allows children to be more trusting and safe and much less likely to disobey. They will know what to expect at all times.

Parents inquire and seem amazed that all the children at the day care listen to us at all times. How does that happen? Because we are 100% consistent, we have gained 100% credibility.

Will they challenge us periodically? Yes. But we calmly remind them what the expectations are and how much better the results will. This is what allows everyone to interact positively.

Do and Don’t

1.       Do be clear on your behavior standards and rules and follow through on them. They are all important, but we have put listening at the top of the list.

2.       Don’t say anything you don’t mean. This was interpreted by Peter’s mom to mean she could just be silent. Not so! It means: know your priorities in terms of behavior and rules and be silent when the circumstances do not fit in to those categories. It does not mean to abdicate your parenting responsibilities.

3.       Once you have spoken, expect to be listen do 100% of the time.

4.       Do not make any statement or request you do not mean or intend to follow up on.

5.       Acknowledge their resistance or non-conformance, but do not change your mind. “Once I speak, I mean it. You know the rules!”

Trust me! This approach is so much less work and so much more rewarding and successful.

You will enjoy your role more than you thought possible and both you and your child will be rewarded with a much healthier relationship!

 Good Luck!

The Important Topic Of Where Your Child Should Sleep

Question: Where should our child sleep?

Answer: In their own bed!

Some of the scenarios we have experienced:

1. Peter was finally sleeping through the night, but he was waking up at 6am. After weeks of this pattern, both the mom and dad were exhausted and when one day he woke up at 5:30am, the mom decided to bring him into their bed. She didn’t think she could get through another day she was so tired.

By the next week, he was no longer sleeping through the night and instead was waking up between 3 and 4 am and screaming to come into their bed.

Making matters worse, neither parent was able to fall asleep again after the disturbance. This made the situation worse than it ever was.

2. Stephen caught a really bad cold and was having a hard time sleeping. The parents decided to have him sleep in their bed so they could be aware of his condition throughout the night. He has now been back to normal for a week and will no longer go to sleep in his own bed.

3. Molly and tom thought it would be the right thing for everyone that their newborn, Sylvia, share their bed from the beginning. 

Initially, it seemed ideal. Molly could nurse her as needed without getting out of bed.

As time went on, they realized they were never getting a good night’s sleep and had given up any opportunity for a private moment.

When they decided to move her into her own crib at six months, she was having a very difficult time and woke up at the slightest sound. Now instead of enjoying her, they were constantly arguing about how to correct the situation and get some rest and privacy.

These were just a few of the situations that we were hearing about and being called on to fix.

Our recommendations that led to success: 

Your child should have their own sleeping space from the beginning. It can be a bassinet that is in your room and it should be separated from your bed by a screen. This way they know from the beginning that it is important to be treated as an individual.

As they grow, they need to be moved to a larger space such as a crib and ideally into their own room. If that is not an option, have them in your room in an alcove or as far away as possible. Still make use of a screen or any other efficient barrier. Treat this as though it is a separate space, and if they are still using the accommodation going into their second year, give the location its own identity name “your room”.

Make sure, at any age, there are no toys in their bed. It is strictly for sleeping! Sometimes, an appropriate mobile will attract their attention upon waking and allow them to be fully awake before calling for you. 

Now let’s talk about solutions for the earlier case studies.

Firstly, it is critical that both parents agree on any strategy presented to fix or prevent any of these situations from occurring or continuing. 

Being in agreement is critical to your success as a parent, even, or especially, when some situations are more demanding than others.

Case 1

You will understand after two or three days that your child is fine and really doesn’t need attention at this hour.

1. Make sure they have had a “full feed” at dinner time so hunger is not waking them up.

2. If they are somewhere around 9 to 12 months, offering them a bottle or nursing before you go to bed can be a solution.

3. If they don’t seem hungry at that hour, then don’t continue that strategy and realize their behavior is simply a habit. Tell them before you put them to bed that you are not coming in to see them while it is dark. Then do that! Do not go back on your word! Or the situation will get worse.

4. Tough it out and do not go to them until 6:30am or 7am which is reasonable. Make a point of telling them that this is going to be the routine. They may not understand every word, but will understand your tone and your actions.

Case 2

Your child is most likely to have some form of illness in their first 18 months which will be serious enough to warrant some monitoring during the night.

1. Invest in a bed, air bed, or sleeping back to be utilized by a parent if constant monitoring is necessary. 

2. If they are already in a bed do not sleep with them.

3. Continue this until you are no longer anxious about their condition.

4. Once that happens, make sure you tell them they are well now and you are going to go back to your own bed.

5. This will make your transition back to your own bed easier.

Case 3

The solution for this case calls under our suggestions on how to plan your child’s sleep from the beginning.

It is a well known belief that if your child sleeps and eats well that a parent can handle anything in between!

Good Luck!