We already knew that the philosophy that was the basis of our daycare program (that children are intelligent from the minute they are born) was a perfect environment for implementation of a non-violent program.
It was obvious and challenging that we had an expectation of our children that most of our parents did not. There was much questioning about how we were going to approach that.
We outlined the following playtime rules.
1.There would be no violent toys in the daycare i.e. guns, swords, military equipment.
2.The children could not make violent toys i.e. Duplos turning into guns, sticks used as swords, trucks and cars used to harm.
3.No shooting sounds used during playtime.
4.No violent words i.e. kill, hit, hate as part of a game or interaction.
5.No use of any toy to hurt another child or as a weapon.
6.Initially, it was a major challenge since most of the children did not have these restrictions during the rest of their day.
As we expected, we were required to take a very creative role and suggest all of the fun, interesting, constructive ways they could play instead.
1. Play family
2. Build neighboring houses.
3. Create playgrounds, skyscrapers, zoos and schools.
4. Cook meals.
5. Take trips with their dolls.
6. Answer 911 calls and put out fires.
7. Visit their relatives and play games.
What has resulted is a whole new vocabulary and a much more educated, creative form of play.
Not surprisingly, they still are tempted to transform to their “away from daycare games”.
Each one of the times these instances occur draws a reminder from us that violent play is not acceptable. “Think of something fun to do.”
We also have taken the same approach with our corrective action.
1.Children are never bad. They may break a rule, not listen or have hurt a friend; we state whichever one of these situations is appropriate and make sure they understand.
2.They cannot hit, bit or kick/push a friend because “it hurts”.
3.They cannot grab a toy because “it is not theirs”. The child who had the toy says, “May I have that back please, it is mine” This may have to be repeated and if not done, it is followed up with the teacher saying, “Please give him back his toy”. Should the involved child lack the appropriate verbal skills for this communication, then the teacher will take that role so the child can learn the correct approach.
Injuries are also handled with a positive, realistic approach, and not something the child may use to get attention.
1.Band-Aids are not provided unless the skin is broken or bleeding.
2.Injuries are treated both calmly and appropriately. If first aids is required, it is done and the child is involved in the care as much as possible. Injuries are neither downplayed nor exaggerated, nor treated as a form of over the top attention.
3.If a child has been injured by another child, it is treated as a discussion on responsibility and concern. The aggressive child will play a role in aiding the injured child.
In all cases these instances serve as a reminder that we solve our disagreements with words, not with fists or objects.
One of the ongoing challenges to a non-violent commitment can be when you and your child attend a public event. This is especially true of birthday parties. It is wise to have a discussion prior to attending; you should share with your child how you will handle the situation if there are violent toys and how you expect them to act.
I hope many of you are already taking this approach and if not, find value in it. If you want your child to be kind, empathetic, respectful of everyone, and who they are, the seeds of that belief should be planned when they are young.
Good luck!
Monday, October 29, 2018
Friday, October 19, 2018
Play Skills - Your Child Needs To Be Taught In Order To Learn The Skills Required, And The Benefits Of, The Toys And Activities They Have Available As Well As Handle The Social Challenges
Paul arrives at school and just sits on the floor waiting for someone to tell him what to do.
James arrives and heads toward the toy chest and begins pulling out all the toys and throwing them on the floor.
Ginger arrives and selects a shapes cube, sits on the floor and calls on a teacher to come and put the shapes back in the cube for her.
Dennis has only been here for a month and forgets that he has to entertain himself. Consequently, he takes 1.5 hours and constant reminding that he has to choose his own activity.
Paula’s favorite words are “I can’t”. We have not yet seen her take the initiative to practice any new skill or solve any problem.
Any of those examples have been evident over the years. These are children who are entertained, underestimated, catered to, assisted, and approached with low expectations when they are home.
Parents are automatically assuming that their child learns the skills to:
1. Problem solve.
2. Accomplish several tasks in sequence.
3. Interact successfully with other children.
4. Learn a somewhat difficult skill.
5. Be independent.
6. Develops a longer attention span.
7. Enjoy and thrive on being independent.
Both our role and the parental role is to be a provider and teacher. Parents and teachers are not in the entertainment business when it comes to raising their children.
To Do
Begin the playtime process and the task learning process with half of your time together planned as teaching time, and the other half as child/parent tome. Once a skill has been taught, always observe and allow your child to resolve challenges themselves.
This approach applies to both fine motor skills, gross motor skills and cognitive challenges. Always applaud and encourage independence and persistence. Give them time to apply both mental and physical effort. Don’t jump in the second they hesitate.
When all the child’s caregivers are taking the same approach, results are amazing.
Especially never assist in, or do, a task for your child that you know they can accomplish successfully. You will be giving the wrong message, eroding their confidence, encouraging their dependence, and generally prevent them from achieving their potential.
You want strong willed independent, skilled, confident children!
Give them the skills and trust they will accomplish their goals.
Good luck!
James arrives and heads toward the toy chest and begins pulling out all the toys and throwing them on the floor.
Ginger arrives and selects a shapes cube, sits on the floor and calls on a teacher to come and put the shapes back in the cube for her.
Dennis has only been here for a month and forgets that he has to entertain himself. Consequently, he takes 1.5 hours and constant reminding that he has to choose his own activity.
Paula’s favorite words are “I can’t”. We have not yet seen her take the initiative to practice any new skill or solve any problem.
Any of those examples have been evident over the years. These are children who are entertained, underestimated, catered to, assisted, and approached with low expectations when they are home.
Parents are automatically assuming that their child learns the skills to:
1. Problem solve.
2. Accomplish several tasks in sequence.
3. Interact successfully with other children.
4. Learn a somewhat difficult skill.
5. Be independent.
6. Develops a longer attention span.
7. Enjoy and thrive on being independent.
Both our role and the parental role is to be a provider and teacher. Parents and teachers are not in the entertainment business when it comes to raising their children.
To Do
Begin the playtime process and the task learning process with half of your time together planned as teaching time, and the other half as child/parent tome. Once a skill has been taught, always observe and allow your child to resolve challenges themselves.
This approach applies to both fine motor skills, gross motor skills and cognitive challenges. Always applaud and encourage independence and persistence. Give them time to apply both mental and physical effort. Don’t jump in the second they hesitate.
When all the child’s caregivers are taking the same approach, results are amazing.
Especially never assist in, or do, a task for your child that you know they can accomplish successfully. You will be giving the wrong message, eroding their confidence, encouraging their dependence, and generally prevent them from achieving their potential.
You want strong willed independent, skilled, confident children!
Give them the skills and trust they will accomplish their goals.
Good luck!
Friday, October 12, 2018
The Challenge Of Having Your Child Be a Vegetable Lover!
It is rare that a child who joins our daycare at 12 months or older is a good vegetable eater. Yet when we have them as part of our family from a younger age they are vegetable fans!
There are several obvious factors:
1.Vegetables need to be treated as an important ingredient in the family meals.
2.The parents need to be seen eating and enjoying them as a consistent diet component.
3.Do not let family history influence your decision if they were absent as a food group when you were growing up. We are now better educated as to their value.
4.Do not serve your child their favorite foods first and then expect them to be excited by their least favorite.
What To Do
1.Have your child sit at the table as soon as they can sit up in a high chair that is placed at the table. This is usually around 6 to 9 months.
2.To begin their meal, offer them small pieces of whatever vegetables have been prepared. It is ideal if they can pick up the pieces themselves and take responsibility for eating them. If they need assistance, provide it as long as necessary but as soon as they are capable, let them take over.
3.Make sure all vegetables have been steamed or prepared in a way that can be managed safely.
4.Ideally you will start with the green vegetables which usually have a stronger, less sweet taste. Once they are enjoying and are successful with them, you can add in the sweeter ones.
5.You will be amazed at how quickly your child will be eating an adequate quantity of vegetables to satisfy their complete requirement.
6.This approach is invaluable as the basis of their transition to regular food to complete their diet. It will be seamless.
With all the nutritional information now available, it is evident how important vegetables are to a balanced diet.
It is so important that your child grow up on a well balanced diet!
Good luck!
There are several obvious factors:
1.Vegetables need to be treated as an important ingredient in the family meals.
2.The parents need to be seen eating and enjoying them as a consistent diet component.
3.Do not let family history influence your decision if they were absent as a food group when you were growing up. We are now better educated as to their value.
4.Do not serve your child their favorite foods first and then expect them to be excited by their least favorite.
What To Do
1.Have your child sit at the table as soon as they can sit up in a high chair that is placed at the table. This is usually around 6 to 9 months.
2.To begin their meal, offer them small pieces of whatever vegetables have been prepared. It is ideal if they can pick up the pieces themselves and take responsibility for eating them. If they need assistance, provide it as long as necessary but as soon as they are capable, let them take over.
3.Make sure all vegetables have been steamed or prepared in a way that can be managed safely.
4.Ideally you will start with the green vegetables which usually have a stronger, less sweet taste. Once they are enjoying and are successful with them, you can add in the sweeter ones.
5.You will be amazed at how quickly your child will be eating an adequate quantity of vegetables to satisfy their complete requirement.
6.This approach is invaluable as the basis of their transition to regular food to complete their diet. It will be seamless.
With all the nutritional information now available, it is evident how important vegetables are to a balanced diet.
It is so important that your child grow up on a well balanced diet!
Good luck!
Monday, October 8, 2018
The Anxiety, Stress and Challenges of Toilet Training and Then The Sudden Solution!
We have always believed and still practice that toilet training is the child’s responsibility and decision.
This is the last significant function that a child must understand, show interest in, review the steps of the process, and make a clear choice communicating that they are ready to complete.
This is particularly true when the child is a verbal, independent, strong willed personality, which most of our children are.
At any number of stages in their development, parents will inquire when they are going to be toilet trained. Our answer is always the same: it will happen when the child says they are ready.
There are several reasons for that answer.
1.It is a body function that only the child can handle. Neither parent nor any adult can influence or control it.
2.It is the last function that ends any baby or toddler experience.
3.It can be turned into a “get even” weapon if the child chooses when they are angry, stressed or displeased with treatment they are getting.
4.When approached positively, it is a confidence building accomplishment preparing them for their preschool challenges.
5.It supports independence and pride.
Considering all this, Victor and Angela were always inquiring from us when their daughter Priscilla was going to be toilet trained. They share every incident when she would successfully use the toilet at home and couldn’t understand why we were not following up at the daycare.
We constantly assured them that the subject was often discussed and choices were offered to any appropriate age or child that expressed interest at the daycare. Sometimes this was on a daily basis.
We would give them the choice of lining up with the children who were using the toilet, either prior to outside playtime or nap time. This was instead of waiting with younger children to have their diaper changed.
Priscilla always refused that option.
Unexpectedly. one day her best friend Anne, who was several month younger, requested to line up to use the toilet.
We were pleasantly surprised, not only at her request but at the success she had for the rest of the day and the following day after we had put training underwear on her instead of a diaper.
There are some important rewards for this last big responsibility when it is accomplished. A child receives a larger drinking glass (color of their choice), new eating utensils and, best of all, the right to enjoy the large slide with the tree house attached.
Priscilla observed this major change for two days. Not only was her best friend hardly playing with her, but she only had toddlers left to play with.
She tolerated this situation for two days, and on the third day, when everyone lined up to use the toilet, she announced that she was ready to be there too.
She was instantly successful for the first day with no accidents and a confident approach.
Like all the children who are expected to make the choice and decision to be toilet trained, she has taken the responsibility seriously. Using the toilet never becomes an issue since it was the child’s choice and therefore there is no anxiety or stress about it.
Her parents instantly became believers in our approach and not only thanked us, praised Priscilla, but were able to totally relax and trust her to handle all her bathroom needs no matter what was happening, including travel and social events.
I hope this case study helps all of you who are dealing with this very important milestone in your family’s life.
Good luck!
This is the last significant function that a child must understand, show interest in, review the steps of the process, and make a clear choice communicating that they are ready to complete.
This is particularly true when the child is a verbal, independent, strong willed personality, which most of our children are.
At any number of stages in their development, parents will inquire when they are going to be toilet trained. Our answer is always the same: it will happen when the child says they are ready.
There are several reasons for that answer.
1.It is a body function that only the child can handle. Neither parent nor any adult can influence or control it.
2.It is the last function that ends any baby or toddler experience.
3.It can be turned into a “get even” weapon if the child chooses when they are angry, stressed or displeased with treatment they are getting.
4.When approached positively, it is a confidence building accomplishment preparing them for their preschool challenges.
5.It supports independence and pride.
Considering all this, Victor and Angela were always inquiring from us when their daughter Priscilla was going to be toilet trained. They share every incident when she would successfully use the toilet at home and couldn’t understand why we were not following up at the daycare.
We constantly assured them that the subject was often discussed and choices were offered to any appropriate age or child that expressed interest at the daycare. Sometimes this was on a daily basis.
We would give them the choice of lining up with the children who were using the toilet, either prior to outside playtime or nap time. This was instead of waiting with younger children to have their diaper changed.
Priscilla always refused that option.
Unexpectedly. one day her best friend Anne, who was several month younger, requested to line up to use the toilet.
We were pleasantly surprised, not only at her request but at the success she had for the rest of the day and the following day after we had put training underwear on her instead of a diaper.
There are some important rewards for this last big responsibility when it is accomplished. A child receives a larger drinking glass (color of their choice), new eating utensils and, best of all, the right to enjoy the large slide with the tree house attached.
Priscilla observed this major change for two days. Not only was her best friend hardly playing with her, but she only had toddlers left to play with.
She tolerated this situation for two days, and on the third day, when everyone lined up to use the toilet, she announced that she was ready to be there too.
She was instantly successful for the first day with no accidents and a confident approach.
Like all the children who are expected to make the choice and decision to be toilet trained, she has taken the responsibility seriously. Using the toilet never becomes an issue since it was the child’s choice and therefore there is no anxiety or stress about it.
Her parents instantly became believers in our approach and not only thanked us, praised Priscilla, but were able to totally relax and trust her to handle all her bathroom needs no matter what was happening, including travel and social events.
I hope this case study helps all of you who are dealing with this very important milestone in your family’s life.
Good luck!
Monday, October 1, 2018
Parenting Is A Partnership! Communication and Agreement Is Critical To Successful Results!
We keep finding ourselves communicating with parents who say one of the following:
1.It’s up to his mom to teach/train him, I’m fine with whatever she wants.
2.I can’t stand it when he cries and I know I shouldn’t give in, but I give him what he wants even though I know it upsets his dad.
3.I’ll do whatever his dad wants, he’s the boss.
4.Our daughter is too young to understand. We’re going to wait until shes two. I know her dad doesn’t agree with this and thinks we should be teaching her our values now.
It is rare that parents have even discussed this when I ask them to write down their expectations of their child in terms of behavior standards and values.
Case Study
Sara joined our daycare when she was two and a half. She was like a “wild child”, she ran from one thing to another, did not display and play skills, had a serious deficiency in verbal skills, was a poor listener, and showed signs of aggression prompted by anger.
Her mother’s comment, “Now that I am observing her through your eyes I can better understand and interpret her behavior. I am horrified! But I can’t take all of the responsibility; every time I wanted to speak to her dad about her behavior his response was ‘You are in charge of that’ even though I often complained about her behavior and how I was exhausted and embarrassed by it.”
It was apparent that not only were these two parents not on the same page, but to add to the anxiety and frustration, the dad was placing blame and poor results on Sara’s mom.
At this point, I discontinued the discussion and had each parent write down the values and behavior expectations they expected of Sara.
Since this was the first time they had ever discussed or completed such an exercise, the mom especially was shocked but pleasantly surprised that they really wanted similar results.
We outlined a plan.
1.They would talk until they agreed on four values and four behavior standards.
2.Whichever parent was initially involved in any situation would handle the situation and
consequences. This involved telling the child exactly what they should have done and what follow up consequences there would be.
3.Consequences only kicked in when a correction was being considered after the second incident of a specific behavior.
4.We always recommend that the child is “removed from the social environment” but still visible.
5.A review of the behavior is shared and expectations reinforced before the child returns to play or whatever activity she was involved in.
6.The second parent does not interfere, but if they must comment, it is a short phrase supporting the other parent’s action.
We informed the parents that this challenge would be forever and must be consistent and never contradicted.
We heard back from Sara’s parents that they were beginning to see measurable improvement in her behavior after two weeks.
Mostly there was a significant reduction in tension and frustration between the parents. This was being replaced by a real feeling of partnership in achieving the kind of results they had both wanted but never discussed.
They are looking forward to a lot of work ahead but also a huge reward.
Good luck to all of you who recognize that this approach would be a wise move for you!
Notes: I really missed speaking with you for the last few weeks! It has been a very hectic end of summer for me with many changes and challenges.
I love the weekly messages and I hope you do too!
1.It’s up to his mom to teach/train him, I’m fine with whatever she wants.
2.I can’t stand it when he cries and I know I shouldn’t give in, but I give him what he wants even though I know it upsets his dad.
3.I’ll do whatever his dad wants, he’s the boss.
4.Our daughter is too young to understand. We’re going to wait until shes two. I know her dad doesn’t agree with this and thinks we should be teaching her our values now.
It is rare that parents have even discussed this when I ask them to write down their expectations of their child in terms of behavior standards and values.
Case Study
Sara joined our daycare when she was two and a half. She was like a “wild child”, she ran from one thing to another, did not display and play skills, had a serious deficiency in verbal skills, was a poor listener, and showed signs of aggression prompted by anger.
Her mother’s comment, “Now that I am observing her through your eyes I can better understand and interpret her behavior. I am horrified! But I can’t take all of the responsibility; every time I wanted to speak to her dad about her behavior his response was ‘You are in charge of that’ even though I often complained about her behavior and how I was exhausted and embarrassed by it.”
It was apparent that not only were these two parents not on the same page, but to add to the anxiety and frustration, the dad was placing blame and poor results on Sara’s mom.
At this point, I discontinued the discussion and had each parent write down the values and behavior expectations they expected of Sara.
Since this was the first time they had ever discussed or completed such an exercise, the mom especially was shocked but pleasantly surprised that they really wanted similar results.
We outlined a plan.
1.They would talk until they agreed on four values and four behavior standards.
2.Whichever parent was initially involved in any situation would handle the situation and
consequences. This involved telling the child exactly what they should have done and what follow up consequences there would be.
3.Consequences only kicked in when a correction was being considered after the second incident of a specific behavior.
4.We always recommend that the child is “removed from the social environment” but still visible.
5.A review of the behavior is shared and expectations reinforced before the child returns to play or whatever activity she was involved in.
6.The second parent does not interfere, but if they must comment, it is a short phrase supporting the other parent’s action.
We informed the parents that this challenge would be forever and must be consistent and never contradicted.
We heard back from Sara’s parents that they were beginning to see measurable improvement in her behavior after two weeks.
Mostly there was a significant reduction in tension and frustration between the parents. This was being replaced by a real feeling of partnership in achieving the kind of results they had both wanted but never discussed.
They are looking forward to a lot of work ahead but also a huge reward.
Good luck to all of you who recognize that this approach would be a wise move for you!
Notes: I really missed speaking with you for the last few weeks! It has been a very hectic end of summer for me with many changes and challenges.
I love the weekly messages and I hope you do too!
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