Q: My husband and I often disagree on how our son should be disciplined. When my son has a tantrum to get his way, his dad will give him what he wants. I feel my son needs to know that I don't agree with that decision. As a result, while my son is enjoying his triumph, his dad and I are arguing about the action he took. I feel strongly that my son should know how I feel and will eventually realize I am right.
A: This is a perfect example of the need for agreement and consistency on behavior standards.
1. Your child loves both of you equally and wants to please both of you.
2. When you disagree he is always making a choice.
3. Because the messages he is getting are contradictory and confusing and he lacks the life experience to do so, he will not necessarily know who is right and will, in fact, go with the parent who is giving him his way in most cases.
4. You used the term "discipline" in your question but, in fact, this incident is giving him power. He is learning that emotional outburst and physical aggression "work".
5. The most important thing you need to do is schedule time for you and your husband to apply our solutions-driven steps toward agreement. It is critical that you both realize you are currently on a path to "out of control" behavior.
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