The Dilemma And Challenge Of The “Pacifier” or “Blankie”, or Any Other Sucking Or Soothing Prop You May Be Giving Your Child!

Any one of these items can be a great benefit during your child’s first year. However, when they are still relying on them any longer, they can become a crutch that delays development and are very difficult to take away.

The First Year:

During the first six month of your infant’s life, it is very possible that they will require some additional “sucking” over and above the amount they are getting from the actual bottle feeding or nursing.

During this period they may already be sucking on their thumb, finger, or the back of their hand. It is wise to realize that you should provide them with a substitute for the use of any part of their hand. If you don’t, it is very likely they will continue this habit well past their first year. By then, it can be most challenging to distract them from that habit or substitute it.

Two very important conditions need to be in place:

1.       You can provide them with a pacifier five to ten minute after they have completed their liquid intake.

2.       You can use the pacifier or blankie to help them go to sleep at bedtime.

Following these rules will allow you to discontinue their use on your child’s first birthday when you discontinue nursing or bottle feeding.

Part of the process is to talk to them about it before it happens. It is rare that it takes more than a few days for them to adjust and very rare that they begin sucking their thumb, fingers, or hand at that age as a substitute.

Make sure they are tired, but not overtired when placed in their bed. This can add a challenge to the process.

All of this comes under the heading of satisfying an “infant’s” need, but not allowing it to become a “child’s” habit.

The Second Year:

If you have not stopped your child’s dependence and are into their second year, the situation can change significantly.

1.       There is no longer a clear date when you should make the change. Most parents justify every reason for continuing their child’s new dependence of a sucking or a soothing prop:

·         They aren’t feeling well.

·         We are traveling soon.

·         We moved to a new home.

·         They cried for two days without it.

-You are now using the props during the day and significantly expanding their impact on your child.

-This additional use can have a negative effect on their speech, both in terms of its growth and enunciation. The tongue and muscles are being impeded from developing in support of great verbal skills, in some cases it can cause a lisp.

-They are being told by this process to be quiet during a time they should be:

·         Learning to speak.

·         Developing skills to deal with their emotional experiences.

·         Socializing with other children.

·         Learning the verbal skills to communicate their needs, both positively and negatively.

We all know about the importance of physical development in the second year, but it is just as important, maybe even more so, that they develop skills to deal with their emotional issues.

Hopefully you will realize now how to help them give up their emotional attachment to any of these dependent habits.

With their involvement, selected a day no more than a week, when your garbage collection occurs.

Explain to them that they will wrap up the bottles, pacifiers, blankies ect. In a bag and place it in the garbage continuation the night before or the morning of the garbage pickup.

Ideally, they need to watch the garbage truck actually pick up the container with their bag.

Join them in saying good bye and remind them that they items are no longer needed.

Important! For your sake, do not retain any of these items in the house. In a moment of weakness, you may want to resurrect one to soothe your child if they demonstrate any distress. Please do not go there! It may set back their dependency in definitely and you will be retaining these items or replacing them with alternate ones.

Focus on helping them mature and verbalize their feelings successfully as well as their interactions.

You are off on a growth pattern for life!

Good luck!

What Questions Should You Answer Before Your Child Is Born?

Once your child comes into your life you can be overwhelmed by your emotional response and the tasks at hand, including how to figure out your own sleep needs. It is critical you address these issues even before the big day, or better yet, before your decision is made to have a child.

1.Where is my child going to sleep?

a.Ideally, they should have their own room in close proximity to yours.

b.If you do not think you will be ready to be separated so soon, then a bassinet kept in your bedroom is a good option. We recommend that you identify a specific space, separated by a screen. That way you are acknowledging that they are their own person and will eliminate the responsibility of deciding when the separation should happen. It is best to do so at the beginning before your child realizes you are in the same room.

2.Who takes care of your child and when?

Ideally, both parents should share equally in the responsibilities. In the case of most of our families, both parents have taken parental leave from work. Not only should your child be familiar with both of you, but it also reduced the possibility of one parent becoming exhausted with no break. Both of you will be lacking sleep, but that is part of the parenting experience.

Be flexible as the circumstances change. Make sure you are reworking each parent’s role before one of you is unable to cope. As mentioned in an earlier blog, if you are self-employed and working at home, you will need a nanny when you resume your work. Start the search before the child is born.

3.What are the guidelines for your child’s interactions with other people?

This includes family members. You don’t want to have your child isolated, however noone should be allowed to disrupt their sleep pattern or expose them to possible illnesses. Be firm! Socialization should be carefully monitored for the first six months.

4.Where do you go for advice?

Do not rely on your friends for parenting advice. Sorry! They are probably not experts. Research available professional advice that makes sense to you. We have had so many situations where action should have been taken for problems with behavior or developmental issues before we were involved. When we followed up, there were instance of poor advice from family and friends. Even your pediatrician may not be an expert in emotional and developmental areas. Ask for a referral. If you have already read Smart Parent/Smart Child, you would be wise to do so, it will help you make the right decisions.

5.If you are nursing, how will the other parent fit into that feeding schedule?

It is wise to have both parents be an active participant in the feeding process. The mom can begin pumping sometime in the first month so the other parent can be an active participant. This involvement will also have a positive impact on the bonding relationship.

6.What values and behaviors are important to us and must be part of our child’s life?
This is a big deal! It must be discussed and agree on before or at least in the early months of your child’s life.

This topic may require a lot of discussion. Most of our parents are from very different cultures and have had very different experiences.

Discuss until you agree! Your child cannot grow and mature with parents who constantly are giving conflicting messages. Be consistent! If a mistake occurs, do not undermine your partner in front of the child. Make this guarantee to each other from the beginning!

7.How can I have a proactive approach to managing my responsibilities?

a.Sleep every chance you can. An infant’s nap should be a parent’s nap.

b.Pass on social events that will interfere with your rest schedule. You will have plenty of
opportunities when your child is older. These guidelines are particularly important for the first year.

c.Have as many of your necessary purchases delivered as possible. Shopping almost always takes longer than planned.  If it happens frequently, then your child will find themselves in a car seat too often and for too long a time. This may cause them to rely on motion to fall asleep. You do not want this to happen. Since it can also interfere with their gross motor skill development. It probably sounds exaggerated, but occurs more frequently than you may think.

I’m sure we will be communicating about these issues again! It is an ongoing challenge! Enjoy every moment of these early months.

Good Luck!

A Refresher Course On Toilet Training!

Note! If you are just considering beginning the toilet training process, please refer to earlier blogs as well as our parenting book Smart Parent/Smart Child for a very detailed set of plans and directives.

Here are the most common omissions and errors we repeatedly observe.

Do Not

1.Disagree on whether they are ready for the task or on any step/responsibility that is theirs.

2.Contradict your partner once they have given your child a directive or voiced an opinion.

3.Reward them for any steps along the way, i.e. any time they pee in the toilet.

4.Sit and read to them or play a game. Their focus needs to be on the task and their goal should be to complete it as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

5.Plan extended time activities outside the home for the first two weeks.

6.Threaten them with any negative action i.e. taking away a toy, cancelling a plan ect.

7.Use negative terminology when referring to their responsibility.

8.Use the process as a topic of conversation with family and friends. Your child will overhear and probably not understand how the comments relate to them.

9.Forget they are experiencing a learning curve and this is one of the biggest challenges.

Do

1.Remove all items that are “baby” related such as dishes, high chair, toys, books or clothing. If they are still in a crib I have experienced moving them into a bed at the same time but I have seen better results if that move occurs once they are trained. It can be a reward for their mature behavior. That is the only kind of reward that should occur, a bigger cup, bigger cutlery, bigger dish ext. NOT A TOY!

2. Reassure them when they are toilet trained and more independent that you will love them even more!

3.Measurably reduce the amount of liquid provided, especially water. This is challenging especially in hot weather. If you feel water is necessary, give them ½ the usual amount and follow up with a bathroom trip in 20 to 30 minutes. Most children will be unable to control their bladder until they have more experience. Keep juices to a minimum, including fruit, until your child is handling their responsibilities successfully.

4.During colder weather, your child will benefit from a thick training underwear when outdoors. If they are already excited to be wearing themed underwear, they place the thick on under the theme one. Since until now they have been protected from the cold by a diaper, their body may not be able to control their pee when outdoors.

5.Commit to considering their bathroom needs first before planning away from home activities. You want your child to be successful and your consideration will not only help, but will increase their confidence.

6.Decide on some more mature tasks and support items such as letting them chose their new underwear with your guidance. Give them additional tasks that require more responsibility such as helping clean up after meals or feeding the pets.

Respect them throughout the process, set clear expectations with their knowledge.

Good luck!

Why Do I Need A Nanny If I Work At Home?

We have experienced this scenario so often that it merits a conversation and solutions!

1. Maria and Anne were both cared for during the day by their dad during their first two years while he worked from home as a writer for various television series. He expected them to be quiet for extended periods of time, and specifically stated that it was very important that he completed his assignments and they were not to interrupt him. At the same time, their mom worked for a large corporation in a very demanding position and spent long hours away from them including frequent travel.

2. Rebecca’s parents are working from home as marketing managers for several organizations. They thought they could block out work time when she was napping or in bed for the night. They quickly realized that this schedule was not predictable nor was it giving them enough time to meet their commitments. She was often left in her playpen for extended periods and had very little verbal or physical interaction with them. This created several areas of delayed development.

3. Andy’s mom works from home as a marketing manager and employs four people. This group utilized some designated workspace in the home but often had to expand into the family living space to accommodate some larger projects. When that happened, Andy had very little space that he could share exclusively with his single mom. Everyone on staff found themselves pitching in to care for him on an "as needed" basis. By the time he began coming to our daycare at 2 and a half years old, it was already evident that he was frantic for her time and approval and would be almost inconsolable when she left him.

What has happened in each of these situations?

Infants, as well as young children, need the on demand attention of an available, caring parent, or an experienced caregiver. If the parent is employed at home, they are unavailable to meet and satisfy their child’s full time needs.

It is particularly confusing and frustrating for a child to know the parent is at home but is unavailable to them. 

We have witnessed extreme reactions, aggressive behavior, self-destructive behavior, anger, and silence. Any or all of these are already being demonstrated by the time they come to daycare.
Since they have often experienced less social interaction, they may show signs of withdrawal or extreme aggression.

In each example the child required specialized care, and in Andy’s case, he had to be placed in a special needs environment because of his aggressive behavior towards the other children.
If having a full time nanny is not an option, you need to arrange for part time care, or have part time work. It is that important to the health and development of your child.

They need to feel loved and care for in order to develop physically, psychologically, and emotionally!

Two years of neglect is hard to make up, give them your time and love!
It matters!