This appears to be the most challenging responsibility for
parents, partly because it involves so much of a parent/child relationship on
an ongoing basis.
Case I
Jessie, Barry’s Mom, arrives at the daycare and notices that
he is very absorbed in adding to a road he has built for his cars.
She requests that he put it away because they have to leave
immediately. She sits down on the floor beside him and keeps repeating the
request. Barry continues to play and does not even look at her.
This scenes continues for five minutes while he adds to his
game.
She finally starts taking the game apart without warning.
Barry is upset and tries to grab the blocks from her as she is returning them
to the tub.
The fact is that his mom rarely follows through on her
requests she he had no expectation that she would destroy his game. He begins
screaming and reaching to retrieve the blocks.
After a heated tussle, they leave with the mom pulling him
by the hand.
Case II
Pamela and Mark disagree on behavior standards for Peter. We
notice that Peter has developed a particularly aggressive relationship with his
mom who is inconsistent and tends to do most of his work rather than give him
the time to be responsible and efficient.
We start to see an increase in his disrespect for her and
one night, he throws his jacket at her with the order “Here, take this!” in a
very loud voice, and pushes past her out the door and runs to play in the yard.
She waits outside until he decides he is ready to leave and
she follows carrying his jacket.
Analysis and Guidelines
This issue is an ongoing challenge for us, experienced caregivers.
To convince and guide our parents to a realization that setting rules and
boundaries and being 100% consistent in following them actually results in
successful parenting with great results. It makes life so much more enjoyable,
rewarding and pleasant for everyone. It also allows children to be more
trusting and safe and much less likely to disobey. They will know what to
expect at all times.
Parents inquire and seem amazed that all the children at the
day care listen to us at all times. How does that happen? Because we are 100%
consistent, we have gained 100% credibility.
Will they challenge us periodically? Yes. But we calmly
remind them what the expectations are and how much better the results will.
This is what allows everyone to interact positively.
Do and Don’t
1.
Do be clear on your behavior standards and rules
and follow through on them. They are all important, but we have put listening
at the top of the list.
2.
Don’t say anything you don’t mean. This was interpreted
by Peter’s mom to mean she could just be silent. Not so! It means: know your
priorities in terms of behavior and rules and be silent when the circumstances
do not fit in to those categories. It does not mean to abdicate your parenting responsibilities.
3.
Once you have spoken, expect to be listen do
100% of the time.
4.
Do not make any statement or request you do not
mean or intend to follow up on.
5.
Acknowledge their resistance or non-conformance,
but do not change your mind. “Once I speak, I mean it. You know the rules!”
Trust me! This approach is so much
less work and so much more rewarding and successful.
You will enjoy your role more than
you thought possible and both you and your child will be rewarded with a much
healthier relationship!
Good Luck!
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