We keep finding ourselves communicating with parents who say one of the following:
1.It’s up to his mom to teach/train him, I’m fine with whatever she wants.
2.I can’t stand it when he cries and I know I shouldn’t give in, but I give him what he wants even though I know it upsets his dad.
3.I’ll do whatever his dad wants, he’s the boss.
4.Our daughter is too young to understand. We’re going to wait until shes two. I know her dad doesn’t agree with this and thinks we should be teaching her our values now.
It is rare that parents have even discussed this when I ask them to write down their expectations of their child in terms of behavior standards and values.
Case Study
Sara joined our daycare when she was two and a half. She was like a “wild child”, she ran from one thing to another, did not display and play skills, had a serious deficiency in verbal skills, was a poor listener, and showed signs of aggression prompted by anger.
Her mother’s comment, “Now that I am observing her through your eyes I can better understand and interpret her behavior. I am horrified! But I can’t take all of the responsibility; every time I wanted to speak to her dad about her behavior his response was ‘You are in charge of that’ even though I often complained about her behavior and how I was exhausted and embarrassed by it.”
It was apparent that not only were these two parents not on the same page, but to add to the anxiety and frustration, the dad was placing blame and poor results on Sara’s mom.
At this point, I discontinued the discussion and had each parent write down the values and behavior expectations they expected of Sara.
Since this was the first time they had ever discussed or completed such an exercise, the mom especially was shocked but pleasantly surprised that they really wanted similar results.
We outlined a plan.
1.They would talk until they agreed on four values and four behavior standards.
2.Whichever parent was initially involved in any situation would handle the situation and
consequences. This involved telling the child exactly what they should have done and what follow up consequences there would be.
3.Consequences only kicked in when a correction was being considered after the second incident of a specific behavior.
4.We always recommend that the child is “removed from the social environment” but still visible.
5.A review of the behavior is shared and expectations reinforced before the child returns to play or whatever activity she was involved in.
6.The second parent does not interfere, but if they must comment, it is a short phrase supporting the other parent’s action.
We informed the parents that this challenge would be forever and must be consistent and never contradicted.
We heard back from Sara’s parents that they were beginning to see measurable improvement in her behavior after two weeks.
Mostly there was a significant reduction in tension and frustration between the parents. This was being replaced by a real feeling of partnership in achieving the kind of results they had both wanted but never discussed.
They are looking forward to a lot of work ahead but also a huge reward.
Good luck to all of you who recognize that this approach would be a wise move for you!
Notes: I really missed speaking with you for the last few weeks! It has been a very hectic end of summer for me with many changes and challenges.
I love the weekly messages and I hope you do too!
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