Happy Holidays!

World Peace

Begins

With a Truly

Non-Violent Home

Let Us Commit

To Bring A Real A Real Peace

To All

Love 2016

What Can I Say To My Child About The Unbelievable Violence That Exists In The World?

It is important to realize that your child may be hearing about violent situations from sources other than you. This makes it extremely important that the issue be discussed.

We have lived by a totally non-violent philosophy and shared that with the children in our care.

Here are some guidelines that have worked for us.

Do

1. Acknowledge that there are some people in the world who do mean or hurtful things. This is because they have not learned to resolve their differences with other people by using their words like your child should be encouraged to do.

2. Share the names of some of individuals or groups i.e. police, firemen, rescue workers, doctors, nurses, family members and friends who help people all the time.

3. Identify some of the ways you always check to make sure everyone is safe.

Do not

1. Ever allow your child to watch the news or any violent form of entertainment.

2. Automatically assume that a G rated movie or video is appropriate for your child.

3. Provide violent details if they inquire about the meaning of some actions they have overheard.

I am hoping that with all the violence and hatred we are exposed to right now that we, as parents, make a commitment to creating a more positive, caring, embracing world for our children.

Additional thoughts

1. The most successful way to achieve that goal is to raise our children with a non-violent philosophy!

2. Our children are not bad or good. They break a rule or follow a rule. They may listen or not listen. They may be empathetic or non-caring. Focus on the action without labeling their character.

3 .They must be given the skills to resolve their issues or communicate their needs verbally.

4. There are no violent toys allowed. They should not make guns out of other objects, hit a friend, call them an unkind name or make shooting sounds while pointing their finger. Shooting hurts people, it cannot be part of a game.

5. Encourage and expect your child to be more creative in their games. We play family roles, create villages, open restaurants, go on trips and build museums for examples of good play. Children become amazingly creative when we outline clear expectations.

Let’s make a commitment to creating a better world for our children.

Guidelines For The Holidays!

We all want our holiday experience to be the best possible! To help make that happen, we are sharing some of our Do and Donts so everyone can be happy and healthy!

Do

1. Have a very positive discussion with your child regarding the specific activities for each day and what you expect from them. This may need to include appropriate phrases for them to communicate so they feel at ease. This should include their skill answering questions, especially if they are interacting with new people.

2. Request that all your friends and relatives respect your food guidelines. Communicate them in a very positive, straightforward way i.e. “We really do not want our child to have any sugar treats. We would really appreciate if you would follow our request.”

3. Have a non-sugar treat available as an option.

4. Apply this approach to whatever issues are important for you i.e. Sleep schedules, non violent toys, child-friendly videos and TV choices.

5. Schedule activities to accommodate their sleep schedule. If your child is still taking a nap and there is just no way you can accommodate that, then make plans to be home for an early dinner and bed. If you stay out too late and your child has not napped, you could experience having them fall asleep on the way home, which may cause further sleep issues that night.

6. Make sure they are getting as much rest as they need and as much nutrition as they request. This increases the chance of having a happier, and well behaved child.

7. Follow your own rules. Think before you speak and do not change your mind. You will instantly erode your own credibility if you do.

Do Not

1. Over schedule. Plan some home quiet time!

2. Lose your cool! Take a deep breath when circumstances appear to be getting out of control. Give yourself a minute to assess the situation and make the most reasonable choice available.

3. You family is creating memories you will talk about for a long time! Help them be fun, positive, rewarding and entertaining!!!!

Good luck!

Why Do So Many Parents Threaten Their Child When They Do Not Listen?

Sally is picked up from daycare at her usual time. However, today she happens to be building a rather elaborate Duplo castle that is not quite finished. Her dad tells her he is ready to leave now and to immediately take apart the castle and clean up the Duplos.

Sally has about a 90% good listening record and this time her request to finish the project seems valid to her since she has put in so much work and time already.

Instead of responding directly to her request, her dad simply repeats his demand that she clean up so they can leave immediately.

We can see her struggling with his repeated requests and before any alternative is offered, he immediately moves toward the door and says, “Well I am leaving now and you can just stay here.”

It is extremely disturbing to hear those words since he has taken this approach before with disastrous results for Sally.

She immediately runs to the door, cry and call for him to wait! She now has the dilemma of choosing to clean up the project (which she knows she should) or letting her dad leave without her. Predictably, I tell her that I will clean up the project and call to him to wait for her.

This is not the first time this exact scenario has happened between Sally and her dad. This is also a scene that we frequently see play out in public places, especially in shopping malls.

How many ways could this situation have been resolved?

Do

1. Remember when you are picking up your child from day care or any other activity, to have some understanding of what the existing circumstances are and make decisions accordingly.

2. Communicate clearly what the final decision is after you listen to your child’s request and remind them you expect to be listened to.

Do not

1. Ever threaten to abandon your child, no matter what the circumstances are! You are threatening their very survival. They will probably not remember that you did this before and did not actually follow through, at this moment, their reaction is all based on emotion and not logic.

2. Expect them to become a better listener based on a threatened approach.

3. Disrespect their need for some understand when there are extenuating circumstances.

Holiday time is here! There are many positives associated with it, but also many challenges.

Everyone can become overtired, stressed, off schedule, overstimulated and demanding.

Stay on message! Let your child know what is going to happen and what you expect!

For further readings on listening, click here!

Good luck!

Why Is Having Your Child Listen To You Such An Ongoing Challenge?

One of our moms arrives at daycare with a large basket of toys that her family no longer uses, many of them are parts of large groups that no longer make sense to keep. They are not only in great condition and really good quality, but remarkably, are compatible with the activities we already have.  I.E novelty pieces for a wood train system, beautiful creatures for our whale collection ect.

The largest group is a collection of metal cars that get everyone’s attention. Jonah, a two year old, is immediately drawn to two items, a white care and a blue car, that he successfully reaches for and grasps tightly in his hands.

Throughout the day he finds ways to include them in his play activity. We notice that on each occasion during the day, when he has to return them to the car drawer, he is reluctant to do so. He slowly follows through when we remind him he will be able to play with them at the next play period.

Now, it is the end of the day and his mom, Sylvia, has arrived to take him home and she reminds him to put the cars away so they can leave. Jonah runs to the exit door, clutching the cars and tries to open it to leave. He is refusing to listen to his mom and return the cars. This is surprising since we have relied on his listening skills on all occasions and they have been consistently great! The situation quickly escalates and he is crying. I notice that Sylvia is getting frustrated and embarrassed and makes a gesture to take them from him.

Normally we do not interfere between a parent and a child. Jonah has been a really good listener and his mom and dad have both shown a commitment to be responsible parents. However, this appears to be a teaching moment for both Sylvia and Jonah.

Jonah is asked to go to the door (our calm down location) until he stops crying and we can communicate with him. I share with Sylvia that when Jonah challenges her requests, she needs to stay calm, on message, and not lose sight of her goal.

Fortunately he is not defying me and she is able to witness how important it is to stick to the specific request that he return the cars before leaving the day care.

After five minutes of both allowing Jonah time to evaluate the request and decide whether he wants to comply, he finally takes a positive action and returns the cars to the drawer.

We thank him for being such a good listener and remind him he will be able to play with them again when he returns to daycare the following day. We have been rewarded every day since this incident when Jonah carefully returns the cars to the drawer, often without being reminded.

Do Not

1. Expect that teaching your child to listen will be a one-time lesson. This is a work in progresses and will require periodic updates.

2. Give up, get frustrated, be embarrassed since you may be in a public place.

3. Ever tell your child you will leave without them! This would cross a line threatening your child with abandonment.

Do

1. Thank your child for being such a good listener and following your directives.

2. Believe you are doing the right thing for your child. You will need this relationship for the rest of your parenting life.

3. Understand that there will be occasions when your child’s need will be greater than their desire to please you.

Good luck!

Why It Is So Important To Always Inform Your Child What Is Going To Happen And What Is Expected Of Them!

Amy has just turned 16 months and is already independently navigating her world! Her mom plans to attend a daycare party for a short period of time in the morning, and then return to work.

We are unaware that she has not informed Amy of her plans. As a result, after experiencing the surprise joy of seeing her mom in the middle of the morning, her mom suddenly says goodbye and departs for work.

Needless to say, Amy is upset, confused, and crying. It takes us about five minutes to explain the circumstances to her and assure her that her mom would return at the end of the day. It takes Amy the rest of the morning to really return to her normal comfort zone.

Amy is further surprised at the end of the day, when her parents show up with her grandparents. This is not only unexpected, but she rarely sees her grandparents except on Skype, which for her, is not really a solid connection.

She cries to be picked up by her dad (not her usual behavior) and clings to him the entire time without another glance at the grandparents.

What went wrong here?

Amy’s parents do not realize that she should be informed about both of these incidents prior to that day.

Parents need to inform their children about changes in any routine the prior day, or earlier the same day. They also need to communicate how the child can handle the change.

In the first case, telling her when she was dropped off at daycare that mommy would be returning at party-time and leaving when the event was over, reassuring her that she would return at the end of the day to pick her up would have been ideal.

Additionally, when parting, the mom had an ideal opportunity to remind Amy that she would be picking her up along with her grandparents. She could have reassured her that they are visiting to get to know her better and it is okay if she feels comfortable interacting with them (maybe to read a book ect.) or she can choose to hang out with mom and dad until she knows them better.

Ideally, you have been communicating with your child in terms of new expectations and opportunities in their life. You will gain credibility and trust and they will gain confidence and skill! Good luck!

How Did We Figure Out Why Bryan, Our Happy Eighteen Month Old Was Suddenly Having Uncontrollable Tantrums?

From the time we shared Bryan’s story in an earlier blog (which you can read here), we were determined to help our independent, self-assured and confident child deal more effectively with whatever conditions were so strong that he was unable to control his reactions.

Bryan is still limited verbally, he says about 20 words, enunciating clearly, but cannot express himself when he is upset. This made resolution particularly challenging.

We knew there was probably going to be more than one factor, but we were hoping to figure out what the main one was.

After a full week at day care and two weekends at home, a significant pattern emerged. One day at 10:25 am, he left his playtime activity and went to get a chair from one of the tables and take it to the area where morning snack is served.

I reminded him that snack would not be for another five minutes, so could he please return the chair.

He not only refused to comply but, surprisingly, threw the chair. This action was repeated three times.  At each occurrence, he was more upset and by this time, he was screaming and crying.

We took a moment to realize that almost all his tantrums had to do with food, particularly the lack of it.

1. He was particularly vulnerable at outside playtime prior to lunch.
2. He was often upset prior to snack time.
3. He would sometimes have a tantrum if we expected him to put on his socks and shoes and have his diaper changed after nap before he had a drink of milk.

We knew he was getting healthy, nutritious food at home and at daycare so the problem was probably quantity.

Do

1. We reviewed his breakfast menu and recommended that it be doubled.
2. We doubled his morning snack so he could maintain his energy through playtime before lunch.
3. He always was a big lunch eater, but we increased the amount of protein he was getting. We have always provided seconds when requested and continued to do so.

Pay attention to the circumstances that occur prior to a meltdown and determine if there is a pattern. We were fortunate that this became so obvious and was a relatively easy fix.

Do Not

1. Assume you have addressed all the behavioral issues that occur as your child is trying to figure out how to best survive in life.
2. Forge that they are progressing at a rapid rate physically, emotionally and intellectually. Stay tuned in.

This solution has solved 90% of the tantrum issue. There are still moments when he does not want to listen, wants his own way, or shows signs of fatigue and lack of emotional control.

We are still tuned in to him to also help him resolve all of the above situations in a positive, productive way.

Good luck!